I don't understand what's going on in my own head

[Unregistered]

I've been suffering from severe depression for weeks now. My parents know, my school counselors know, and I'm seeing a therapist.

The last time I went to the therapist I told her something that's been bothering me for quite a while, and she didn't even know what I was on about. You can guess how much better I feel about the situation with her professional input.

It feels out of place to be happy. Whenever I'm relatively OK, I just want to feel mental pain again. Being happy makes me feel like a liar, like my brain is shouting out to no one in particular, "I was there! I was dying! Why won't you believe me?" Nobody gets it, and it makes me feel like a freak. I never want to be happy. I don't want to get better. The only reason I'm actually getting help is because my friends and family don't want me to hurt myself. Being happy just seems pointless. I guess I just want some reassurance... I honestly have no idea what is going on with my mind. I thought that it might be because subconsciously I might feel that I don't deserve to be happy, but I have no clue. It just really, really bothers me.

[2NDFLOOR]

You are brave to reach out and to be so honest about your depression. Depression is such a tough challenge to go through. It can often lead to a lot of sadness, pain, and can feel really overwhelming. It also can make you think a lot of the thoughts you are having right now. The best thing to do is exactly what you already are doing….getting professional help. Go to your scheduled appointment and see what your doctor says, they are also going to know what kind of meds (if any) you need to be placed on given your age and situation. Just remember to be honest, I know it can be hard to tell someone that you don’t know that well your most inmate thoughts, but it is the only way you can truly work through it! Listen, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder whether you doubt it or not, you reached out to us, your therapist, and you are already trying to analyze your thoughts. Just give yourself a break and some time to start to think better. Here is a great website to check out too @ http://www.teenagehealthfreak.org/ or here is The National Alliance for Mentally Ill at http://www.naminj.org/.
You are not alone in feeling like this. Please call 2NDFLOOR anytime to talk at 888-222-2228. We are here 24/7 to help you!