I guess you can have this as a mixture of the alone column, the want to cry section, and maybe a hint of self value and a few other things... But anyway, Hi I'm new hear and I just don't know where else to go. Last year I did do a lot of stupid stuff and it essentially "ruined my life", but in regards to that I have changed (hopefully) for the better. Or I have been trying to. I feel like my mental state has been crippling and it is almost gone. I have felt like I have lost myself. I do not feel like myself anymore and I feel like that is affecting everything in my life. In school I started to slip up and at the end of the semester It bit me in the ass, I still don't feel as if I can talk to my parents and I know that needs to change because I do need to find a way to open up to them and talk to them about specific things, I play sports year round and apparently my performance is lacking.
I right now have a small note book that I am trying to write everything that I think and feel. And some pretty deep shit is in it. I still want to cut, but I guess the good part is that I do not have the guts? or the full motivation? I don't know exactly which one, to actually pierce the skin. I have taken my keys and scraped them beating them on my upper forearm, telling myself I am lazy irresponsible and over and over again, saying I'm "worthless". I have also take then tip of my knife and scraped it along my things and forearms, but not hard enough to pierce the skin.
And as for love... I honestly want to say f**k it. I ask my friend if they could rip out my heart and remove my emotions and feelings....
I wish I could scream out loud, wish I could cry for hours on end. I keep letting my parents down, I stress out my friends and the peers that are close to me, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't have motivation. I just fall asleep and see darkness, a black void. Some nights I think if I do not wake up from that void, oh well....
But I want to find myself, I want to get my motivation back, I want to be responsible, turn my life around before I am stuck at county college and I ruin my life forever...
So I guess that's a huge chunk of whats been going on and how I have been feeling since the new year... but I don't want to fake my smile and fake my happiness anymore...
I right now have a small note book that I am trying to write everything that I think and feel. And some pretty deep shit is in it. I still want to cut, but I guess the good part is that I do not have the guts? or the full motivation? I don't know exactly which one, to actually pierce the skin. I have taken my keys and scraped them beating them on my upper forearm, telling myself I am lazy irresponsible and over and over again, saying I'm "worthless". I have also take then tip of my knife and scraped it along my things and forearms, but not hard enough to pierce the skin.
And as for love... I honestly want to say f**k it. I ask my friend if they could rip out my heart and remove my emotions and feelings....
I wish I could scream out loud, wish I could cry for hours on end. I keep letting my parents down, I stress out my friends and the peers that are close to me, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't have motivation. I just fall asleep and see darkness, a black void. Some nights I think if I do not wake up from that void, oh well....
But I want to find myself, I want to get my motivation back, I want to be responsible, turn my life around before I am stuck at county college and I ruin my life forever...
So I guess that's a huge chunk of whats been going on and how I have been feeling since the new year... but I don't want to fake my smile and fake my happiness anymore...
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