My Sardined Mind

[Unregistered]

Resently I have been feeling more and more off. In the last two months I had three panic attacks in which one I heard voices I could not understand. They were not enough to go to a doctor mostly cause I've only told one friend but enough to get me worried. My main problem is that I can't regulate my feelings. I don't won't to tell anyone close what is exactly going on in my mind because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what they would think, maybe that it's horrible and they can't do anything or that it's nothing compared because all my friends either abuse themselves with drugs or a blade. Basically my mind is a mixture of darkness. I'm not here to get a inspiring talk to stay away from drugs or to ditch my friends if they are bad influences. I'm simply here to speak my mind cause if I have a diary someone would surly read it. One of my main problems right now is my appearance. People say I'm pretty in all but I just don't see it. At times I see a glimmer of what they see on a spring morning when all my make ups off or if I load the make up on. With the right lighting and the right angle I could almost be a modle lmao. I know with all the right components you can make anyone look pretty and that's what I keep battleing within my mind. My legs are thick and my thighs are jiggly, I gained 10 pounds over a couple months leading straight to my abs, thighs, and sides. I'm pretty much okay with my arms and breast but anything below just looks disgusting. Simetimes while I was intoxicated I stick my finger down my throat to try to throw up and also puch myself on the check bone to get a better contour. Also when ever I look at others in my mind I see them as ugly if they don't fit my own criteria which I know is horrible but it is a vice I can't help. With this problem I've starved my self, went on extreme diets and I'm about to try diet pills cause I gag at the sight of my body. Not only is this on my mind but my lack of trust digs deep in every relationship i have or am going to have. Right now my problems are at ease because of what else a boy. But that's what I'm scared of that as soon as this high fades I'm gonna crash right back down. I hardly trust this guy as he is because he has a reputation but everyone of my best friends is close with them and they say he's safe. Sadly because a concoction of my childhood and relations around me I have doubts on everyone. I take leaps of faith and I don't fall but it's when you let you guard down that it comes to bite you on your a**, I mean watch any horror movie. To add on to these deleamas i also am constantly on edge of good and evil for lack of better words. I have been a slut, a liar, a tease, drank, and smoked and I'm afraid because I know I'm on the brink of doing more. I drink more, hardly smoke anymore, I'm slutty only now when I want to be, I liar still, hurt two guys with false hop in the last six months. On the weekends it's freedom and in the day we chill maybe smoke and the night we get drunk and hook up. I've done bad and I know but I've grown slightly. I'm scared of is slipping, slipping back or to worse by trying other drugs. I constantly battle myself with two thoughts. One is to just isolate myself from feelings, become a druggie, hurt others, continue being selfish, and use others agianst become more active, selfless, helpful, sober, and basically pure. Right now the battle is so chaotic ly changing that it's hard to get any consistence within my own head. I bounce between selfish and selfless. I don't mean to hurt others and when I do I feel bad. I don't abuse drugs almost at all but I do being drink. I want to believe I'm beautiful bit I know I'm not. So basically all my problems are not the events that occur around me but my inability of expressing my emotions and reactions towards them. That's why I believe I had three panic attacks. I feel like I'm going insane because when I do have them I feel all, the thoughts pressing against the edges of my skull wanting to burst out but I just don't know how to let them out. I've tried to write but as you can tell I'm all over the place, tried to draw but I'm never good enough, all I can conclude to is to fight or punch things. I am beginning to like physically hurting things more and I feel like I have power for once. I have a dark craving for power. For example when I feel most empowered is when i am a certain amount of hungry (basically starvation) and when I haven't slept for more than a day. I know it sounds bad but I don't do them at once. It just gives me high filled with jitters, hyper ness, and a dope one as well. I know it's bad but everyone has their dirty escape and at least this one doesn't worry others as much as popping pills. If you read this far I give you credit I know I'm not really getting out what I have to say so I'll just sum it up.

I wrote on this message board to get help. I have low self esteem, am about to try extreme diet pills, have trust issue because of my past, have a shitty past, and my brain is constantly fighting about to completely different life choices or traits. I know most of the reasons for my problems but I have no idea how to fixes them. If you read this feel free to comment on just one topic if you have any advise or if you can just relate. I really need help because I know I'm starting to slip into insanity and I'd rather not go there hahaha.

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It takes alot of strength to be able to write out what is going on, and share it with someone, even if those that are reading it are anonymous. Sharing your feelings is probably one of the hardest things to do, but also one of the best ways to help yourself.

Based on your post it sounds like you definitely have alot going on ranging from confidence concerns to how you should conduct yourself with others. It seems that you have some strong feelings on all of your concerns, that are pulling you in multiple directions. In addition, it sounds like you are concerned about some of your actions and whether or not those may be healthy choices for you. This sort of a dilemma can definitely lead to overwhelming feelings, and it makes sense that you have experienced three panic attacks recently as a result. Trying to figure out what is going on with you, is a BIG thing to figure out, and can definitely be stressful at times.

The good thing in all of this is that you are recognizing that you want help, and that you would not like to turn to some unhealthy coping skills such as cutting, or drugs. This is a HUGE step in the right direction, and probably one of the hardest steps towards figuring it all out. The next step is realizing that getting help and figuring this all out, is not something that is going to happen quickly, but over time. You have alot of feelings and concerns, and in order to address them, you may need to address each one individually.

You mentioned that you may not be ready to talk to someone directly about all that is going on. It is definitely a difficult task to be able to share your inner most thoughts and feelings with someone. When you are ready to talk directly to someone, you will know. But talking with a therapist may be a beneficial option for you. It may allow you the outlet you need to be able to vent your feelings in an non-judgemental and confidential setting. In addition, if you are hearing voices in your head or having thoughts that seem unrecognizable or unclear this could be the sign of a mental health issue, and it is important to talk about that with a therapist so they can see if they can help. A therapist may also be able to provide you with different coping technigues and work with you individually on each of your concerns. If you are not ready to talk to a therapist in person, you can also try joining different forums online. There are alot of safe online message boards aside from 2NDFLOOR where you can share your concerns anonymously with other people that may be going through the same thing. The NJ Self Help Group Clearinghouse is a company that provides a website where you can search under their "Library & Resources" tab for helpful online resources including online communities that you may be able to join. The link for their website is www.njgroups.org.

In the mean time if you are not ready to talk to someone, there are some other coping skills that you can try to help you sort through all that is going on. You mentioned that you dont like to write or draw, because you dont feel like you are good at it. However, there are forms of writing and drawing that dont require any specific structure or form. They basically just involve you writing out your thoughts in one giant rant, or drawing a doodle of your thoughts. What this does is allows you to try and get the thoughts that are racing through your head out on paper. You can then decide if you want to read them over, or some people may decide to tear them up, throw them away, or even burn them to just get their feelings out. If writing or drawing doesnt work for you, you can also try getting involved in physical activity such as sports, walking, running, or even just working out. This a very healthy for your mind and body. It allows you to stay in shape, but also let out some of your feelings by burning energy. All of these coping skills can be used when you are feelings any range of things including panic, stress, anger, self doubt, etc.

We hope the above suggestions are helpful for you. If you would like to talk more about this or anything else on your mind feel free to call 2NDFLOOR anytime at 1-888-222-2228!