Resently I have been feeling more and more off. In the last two months I had three panic attacks in which one I heard voices I could not understand. They were not enough to go to a doctor mostly cause I've only told one friend but enough to get me worried. My main problem is that I can't regulate my feelings. I don't won't to tell anyone close what is exactly going on in my mind because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what they would think, maybe that it's horrible and they can't do anything or that it's nothing compared because all my friends either abuse themselves with drugs or a blade. Basically my mind is a mixture of darkness. I'm not here to get a inspiring talk to stay away from drugs or to ditch my friends if they are bad influences. I'm simply here to speak my mind cause if I have a diary someone would surly read it. One of my main problems right now is my appearance. People say I'm pretty in all but I just don't see it. At times I see a glimmer of what they see on a spring morning when all my make ups off or if I load the make up on. With the right lighting and the right angle I could almost be a modle lmao. I know with all the right components you can make anyone look pretty and that's what I keep battleing within my mind. My legs are thick and my thighs are jiggly, I gained 10 pounds over a couple months leading straight to my abs, thighs, and sides. I'm pretty much okay with my arms and breast but anything below just looks disgusting. Simetimes while I was intoxicated I stick my finger down my throat to try to throw up and also puch myself on the check bone to get a better contour. Also when ever I look at others in my mind I see them as ugly if they don't fit my own criteria which I know is horrible but it is a vice I can't help. With this problem I've starved my self, went on extreme diets and I'm about to try diet pills cause I gag at the sight of my body. Not only is this on my mind but my lack of trust digs deep in every relationship i have or am going to have. Right now my problems are at ease because of what else a boy. But that's what I'm scared of that as soon as this high fades I'm gonna crash right back down. I hardly trust this guy as he is because he has a reputation but everyone of my best friends is close with them and they say he's safe. Sadly because a concoction of my childhood and relations around me I have doubts on everyone. I take leaps of faith and I don't fall but it's when you let you guard down that it comes to bite you on your a**, I mean watch any horror movie. To add on to these deleamas i also am constantly on edge of good and evil for lack of better words. I have been a slut, a liar, a tease, drank, and smoked and I'm afraid because I know I'm on the brink of doing more. I drink more, hardly smoke anymore, I'm slutty only now when I want to be, I liar still, hurt two guys with false hop in the last six months. On the weekends it's freedom and in the day we chill maybe smoke and the night we get drunk and hook up. I've done bad and I know but I've grown slightly. I'm scared of is slipping, slipping back or to worse by trying other drugs. I constantly battle myself with two thoughts. One is to just isolate myself from feelings, become a druggie, hurt others, continue being selfish, and use others agianst become more active, selfless, helpful, sober, and basically pure. Right now the battle is so chaotic ly changing that it's hard to get any consistence within my own head. I bounce between selfish and selfless. I don't mean to hurt others and when I do I feel bad. I don't abuse drugs almost at all but I do being drink. I want to believe I'm beautiful bit I know I'm not. So basically all my problems are not the events that occur around me but my inability of expressing my emotions and reactions towards them. That's why I believe I had three panic attacks. I feel like I'm going insane because when I do have them I feel all, the thoughts pressing against the edges of my skull wanting to burst out but I just don't know how to let them out. I've tried to write but as you can tell I'm all over the place, tried to draw but I'm never good enough, all I can conclude to is to fight or punch things. I am beginning to like physically hurting things more and I feel like I have power for once. I have a dark craving for power. For example when I feel most empowered is when i am a certain amount of hungry (basically starvation) and when I haven't slept for more than a day. I know it sounds bad but I don't do them at once. It just gives me high filled with jitters, hyper ness, and a dope one as well. I know it's bad but everyone has their dirty escape and at least this one doesn't worry others as much as popping pills. If you read this far I give you credit I know I'm not really getting out what I have to say so I'll just sum it up.
I wrote on this message board to get help. I have low self esteem, am about to try extreme diet pills, have trust issue because of my past, have a shitty past, and my brain is constantly fighting about to completely different life choices or traits. I know most of the reasons for my problems but I have no idea how to fixes them. If you read this feel free to comment on just one topic if you have any advise or if you can just relate. I really need help because I know I'm starting to slip into insanity and I'd rather not go there hahaha.
I wrote on this message board to get help. I have low self esteem, am about to try extreme diet pills, have trust issue because of my past, have a shitty past, and my brain is constantly fighting about to completely different life choices or traits. I know most of the reasons for my problems but I have no idea how to fixes them. If you read this feel free to comment on just one topic if you have any advise or if you can just relate. I really need help because I know I'm starting to slip into insanity and I'd rather not go there hahaha.
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