Save me from myself

[Unregistered]

I can't deal with myself anymore. I cry myself to sleep every night and for the 81 days I've been clean, I have strong urges to cut.
I don't know what I'm doing after high school or frankly if I want to do anything at all because my depression is so consuming. This decision is leaving me panicked for another year until I graduate and really have to figure things out.
My heart feels like it's in pain as does my head as I cry and write this. I'm trying desperately not to cut. Don't tell me I'm strong because even the greatest weight lifters have to put down their weight sometime. I just happen to be holding a million pounds and I am crumbling under it.
My therapist gave up on me and dropped me as a patient because nothing worked. Ive tried all the coping skills, nothing works.
I want to die. I'd call the hotline if I wasn't terrified of talking on phones so here I am.
I can't tell my mom or dad. I can tell my school therapist but that means having to hold on another 12 days.

[2NDFLOOR]

I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. If you feel that you are in danger to yourself as much as you don't like talking on the phone call 911 immediately or contact the suicide prevention lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255. Regardless of how strong we are depression can be very consuming and can wear down on anyone. That's why it is important to reach out for help. Just because things ended with one therapist that doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there who may be able to help in a better way. Different coping skills work differently for different people. Sometime they don't work the first time and other times they work right away. When it comes to graduation and what to do after high school, you don't need to figure that out right away. If you want to continue your education maybe try community college or take just a few classes. There are many options and you might not find the right one right away and that's ok!

Is there a reason that you can't tell your mom or dad about your urges to cut? Usually parents can be great resources and can help you get the help that you need. If this is still not an option then I would recommend finding other resources until you feel you are able to talk to someone about this, because you shouldn't go through it alone. Have you heard of the butterfly project? http://butterfly-project.tumblr.com/ It's a good way to bring people together who have experienced self-harm. There are many other resources you can use as well http://www.selfinjury.com/ can provide you with referrals if you are looking for another therapist or may be able to give you some treatment information. If you want to talk more and feel you are up to calling 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline is available 24/7 at 888-222-2228 but we also text daily 4-8PM at 908-280-0235!