I'm not wanted

[Unregistered]

My father and mother are divorced and have been since I was 3. That doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that my father remarried to a bitch. I'm sorry for the strong words, but she really is. He met her soon after the split and has been with her ever since and got married in '07, so there isn't much I can say about her to my father because I don't know any different. I have also never had a strong relationship with my father; he can get very angry and it scares me to the point of not talking to him.
The problem is, ever since I started getting older and had more opinions and want to do things, my stepmom mocks me. To her I'm an awful child and I never do anything right. She told me I was a disappointment and that I'm a screw up and always will be. Whenever I'm happy about something she squashes it; I got into all three schools I applied to for High School and she told me that they must not know me well enough. And when I said my mother had been happy, she said that she isn't going to applaud me for being an average 14 year old. But I'm not! I am going to school and taking extra classes so I can do hair and makeup as soon as I get out of High School. She always tells me that I'm the worst child out of the 5. She said she rather have one of my cousins than me. And I'm not even her kid!! My father just sits there and says nothing. He is never home anyway, so why do I even go over there to see him? That's why I'm there, to see him, not her. I can't even defend myself either because I'm "back talking". She grounded me one time for defending myself. I just sit there and take it and it hurts. It sucks so much.
What really hurts is I have good memories of my parents being proud of me for getting straight As and going out places and now I don't even know if they love me or want me.
Here's the best part: They make me want to kill myself. I want to see the blood stain the carpet and feel my throat burn with bleach. I have written letters to the people I (hope) care for me. My thinking is if I'm such a disappointment then why be here? It's only a matter of time before I'm nothing to my mother or my best friend. And I love my best friend, she gets it. Her and my sister are the only reason I haven't done it; i don't want to hurt them. But I can't keep living and being hurt by them.
I don't know what to do. Do I report them? I want to, but I'm scared. I can't talk to them, obviously. So what do I do? My mother know what happens, but she can't afford to take them to court. I seriously think I can only get through with them if I kill myself, and even then they might say I did it for attention. Please help me.

[2NDFLOOR]

I'm sorry to hear how difficult this situation has been for you over the last few years. It sounds like you have had some pretty serious and vivid thoughts about suicide and self harm. If you feel that you could harm yourself in anyway call 911 immediately or contact the national suicide prevention lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255. There are many times when we may feel alone or that no one cares about us, but that's not true. You mentioned your mom, your sister, and your best friend. These people care very much about you. It's important that you tell someone about these thoughts you are having so that they can get you the necessary help so that you don't continue to feel this way. You are not alone in this. You have so much to look forward to in your future with your plans for after high school. You should be proud of these accomplishments and goals even if others around you cannot fully support them. It's these moments when we realize that these situations are only temporary and we will get through them or move past them with the people that care about us and support us, people like your mom. Suicide is very permanent and once that judgement call is made many times we can not go back. At times when you are feeling scared or don't feel like you can talk to anyone about what is going on we are always hear to talk and to listen. I'm sorry about the issues you are having with your father and step-mother. You mentioned that you don't see him when you go over there, I wonder if your parents would be willing to discuss you staying with your mom on a more regular basis. Even though your father and step-mother are part of your life they should not be able to treat you like this. In terms of reporting them you can contact the division of child and family services if they are abusing or neglecting you. However, the easier step may be to talk to your mom about living with her more regularly. I also want to recommend talking to your mom about seeing a counselor to help with these feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide. We want you to know that you are not alone and 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline is here 24/7 to talk so please do not hesitate to call us at 888-222-2228 or text us daily 4-8PM at 908-280-0235.