trust issues.

[Unregistered]

I'm 22 years old. Life has taken me in many strange directions in and out of college and during the being out I worked full time. And now I do both full time. A few years ago I was with this girl for 4 years. A high school sweet heart kinda thing Into college. She eventually left me for unfair reason I didn't understand at all. I found out she was cheating on my since she got to college and left me for the other guy. It was really hard I moved hours away for school and never really went home as I live by school where work is. I isolated myself but during my time of being single I made so good friends. And through them I met this girl who I had a crush on for a year. Eventually we kinda just bumped into each other and we got together and I feel in love with her and she loved me too. Things hit the fan and I had to work full time instead of school for a year and she was with me through it. And I wouldn't have made it without her. Then one day she stayed the night made plans for the next day and everything. Then she woke up and broke up with me out of no where. And I lost it mentally broke down. I struggled for months finally my mom
Got me into counseling which I have been going to for a few months. It helps me undertand my feelings but I don't really get much guidance from it. It's really hard for me to reach out for help. I'm a 22 year old who pays for school and rent and everything on my own because it's not my moms problem to hurt herself financially for me. I realize the life I live doesn't really allow time for relationships or even friends since I lost them all after I started to work the way I do. Through consoling I had a moment laying on the couch alone in my apartment and realized I can't trust anyone on this earth. So many people fiends family every girlfriend I ever had gets close to me uses me for something then when I need something they leave because I'm so messed up in the head. I saw a physicist she said it was ADD the pills help me focus but I'm sill an anxious depressed wreck. But the fact it I came to realize that it's not worth the small time of happiness to be stabbed in the back and completely broken down. I just can't do it I don't trust a single soul on this earth. (Besides mom). And it's a very tough burden to bear for me. I really don't know how to live with it. It's lonely and I can't deal with it. But I'm too afraid to have a relationship in general. I don't even have Intrest in sex or anything anymore even when I'm approached and it's thrown at me. Idk what to do at all really I just
Wake up drag my feet to work or class and do what I feel I'm responsible for doing. But none of this makes me happy. I'm really just at a loss but idk how I could be like this forever.

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out...it takes a strong person to find the courage to open up like you did. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and the ways that you have been feeling. There can be a light at the end of this tunnel but it is up to you to try and refocus your mindset. The whole world can tell you that you will not feel like this forever but it is up to you to believe it and make it happen. You have control over your own feelings....don't allow another persons actions to have that much power over you. The fact is people betray people and people let people down. This behavior can make you second guess many things but that doesn't mean all people are like this and it definitely doesn't mean it should ruin lives. At 22 years old you have barely experienced the path you can make for yourself in the big picture ahead. 22 can be a hard age especially for someone in your shoes where currently your life consists of school and work. This is temporary and not a forever type of thing. Also, at 22 people in your age group are still very selfish-thinking about themselves-which in many experiences causes the more mature people in your age group to mistrust. As you get older a lot of that immaturity diminishes and you do meet people that you can trust more and more. You can not let your few experiences with girls sum up every girl. Some people do fall in love in high school and stay together for the rest of their lives, some people fall in love with a few girls before they meet the forever one, and some it takes many. I know it can be hard to think in the ways that I described above especially when you are reliving the same depressing cycle day after day but you can break away from it. This is not something that is impossible. I am glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor. I know you mentioned that it doesn't give you much guidance, but stick with it because at the very least understanding your feelings puts you steps ahead and one day the guidance part may just fall into place when you least expect it. I am not a doctor but it sounds like your symptoms fall more under depression and maybe anxiety, not so much ADD so this medication that you are on might not be the right one for you. Speak to your doctor more about your symptoms, because certain ADD medications can make you feel more depressed, anxious, etc. One thing that you must must find in some sort of way is time for yourself. This is so important for your mental health. Work and college are obviously very important for your future but happiness conquers all. Is it possible to change your schedule a bit at school or give up a day at work.Maybe even move back in with mom so you don't have to pay rent. It sounds like your mom is very supportive. I know you said that it is not your moms responsibility to help you overall financially, but can she help you in a small way at all. Talk to her-brainstorm some ways to change a dynamic in this to help you. At 22, you need time to have fun with your friends, you need time to relax. Even if that time is only once a week. Another thing- I know you probably have a lot of reading to do for school but you should also look into some self-help books. There are many great books out there to help you change your mindset. You get a different sort of feeling reading ideas from a book rather than listening to words from a counselor. Some recommendations are: The Power of Now, Zen and the Art of Happiness. There are so many different ones out there to search! If you would like to talk further you can always give us a call here at the 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline. We are here 24/7 at 888-222-2228. You can also text us daily at this number between 4pm and 8pm. Good luck and stay positive. Remember things can change if you let them.

[Unregistered]

Re:

I genuinely want to believe that's just don't see that as a possibliy. I don't have friends anymore because they all graduated and drifted off. I really will starve if I take any more time from work. And my mom can't pay. I kinda realize life is about sacrifices and these are sacrifices I had to make for my future. I do have ADD for sure but I'm depressed too. And I told the Dr. I smoked weed before and anything that really would help became out of the question. And how can I start all over. Wait a month and a half for another appointment and the another month and a half for meds to kick in all over again. I live with a narcissist and that's my one friend. My happiness doesn't really matter. All these Ideas are good for sure but idek how this is obtainable considering the situation. I have to grind to survive but it's exhausting when I have to grind out my happiness too. I read self help books but there's no one to use the advice I get from them on. That's kinda the issue I'm having. And if I ignore the ADD I'll fail out of school again... My counsler always says you'll tall and very good looking you'll find someone. But that's makes it even worse the fact that I have the tools but I can't. I have everything I should but my own head has held me back for so long. One thing I do get from self help stuff is that I need to be goal oriented and people will see that and follow or something like that. My goal is to graduate and be Ritch. I've been through too much and works too had not too. But still I don't see those little things I really want in my goal it all seems so impossible.

[2NDFLOOR]

Working and going to school full-time would be mentally and physically exhausting for anyone to manage. It sounds like cutting down your hours at work isn't possible, so maybe taking classes part-time can free up your schedule and give you some more time for self-care. Reaching out to your adviser at college or maybe even your school's financial aid office can help you to explore your options. Having more free time will give you the opportunity to build more social connections and expand your support network. Social support is a huge contributor to your overall mental health. I know it might be scary to be vulnerable with others but it sounds like you are unbelievably lonely, which may be contributing to your depression. Maybe joining some clubs/activities at school, meeting new people, and enjoying your college experience would change your general feeling of "grinding to survive". It's really admirable that you're so goal-oriented, but taking time to take care of yourself is necessary for you to achieve those goals! If you'd like to get any further support you can call the 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline at 888-222-2228 or text us from 12pm to 8pm. Please don't hesitate to reach out!