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I had a final today for a business law class in college. I'm a part of the summer session at my college which means the classes are more condensed and more demanding. I haven't been doing well in the class and I don't feel very confident about the final I just took. Both the midterm are each 50% of my final grade. So the weight is really high. I didn't get to look over as much as I wanted to due to my own poor time management and procrastination. I can be a real dumbass sometimes.
After the final I refrained from going straight home. Because I was still trying to process how uneasy I felt. I drove to a convenience store, bought a slushie to drown my sorrows, parked in a rec center parking lot and listened to sad music in the car. I felt like I was gonna lose it and I had tears falling down my face sitting there alone. Not my finest moment.
I never really wanted to take this class. It was either this one or another one. I couldn't take the other because all the placements got filled up. I needed to take something or else I won't graduate by next year. That's the plan between me and my parents. Finish college. Get a job. Be free to do what I want. I really just wanna get to that point. Just be free.
I already failed a class before. I can't afford to fail another one. I got three strikes before I'm out. I already got one, so another makes two. That's not something to be proud of at school.To be honest, I got it easier than other college kids. I don't work, a live at home, my parents pay for my stuff. I'm a full-time student. All they ask me is that I do well in school. But not even that's too much for me apparently. I got nothing to complain about because school's all I have to worry. Meanwhile, they work their asses off just to support me. I honestly feel guilty about it. I know they'll do anything for me, but it's reasons like that that I don't wanna disappoint them. Can't help but feel like a disappointment at times, though. I just wanna finish school and move on with my life.
Tuition is a pain in the ass and so are the books. I hate making them spend so much on me. I know they work hard for me because they love me but honestly sometimes I wish I wasn't so dependent on them. That way I could give them a break, not have to worry so much about me. I wish I could stop worrying about the future. Just, hit a fast forward button and jump ahead in my life where I'm away from these problems. See the "it gets better" stuff everyone says there is. Figure out how well I'm doing so I can get some certainty. Know for a fact that things will work out for me in the end.
If it's one thing I hate about college is that despite the cost, I hate how necessary it's become. Not having a college degree greatly reduces opportunities and salaries later in life. Economy is getting more competitive with jobs. As if there weren't enough problems these days.
I had one class in this first session to worry about and that was too much for me... Now I got another session with 3 classes and one of them is a 8:30 am. What have I gotten myself into. Jesus.
To be honest I've had thoughts of suicide but they've only ever been thoughts. I mean doesn't everyone? I got no real way of doing it though. Not painlessly actually. Knowing me, I'd regret midway during the act and by that point I may be too late to take it back. Also, if I really did off myself, everyone I'd leave behind would be sad and frustrated over what I did for a long time. "Why'd he do it? What was he thinking? Why didn't I notice there was something wrong? Why didn't I do anything? What could I have done differently! I could have prevented this. But I can't change the fact that he's gone" Honestly the thought that I'd be leaving people in that kind of state makes me too guilty to do it. There's still a lot I wanna do with my life too.
Killing myself won't solve anything. I still get the occasional thought on my really bad days. They just stay thoughts, I wouldn't act on them. I don't have any history of mental illness, depression, drug abuse, or self-harm or anything like that. I get depressed at times but that's not the same as depression.I've never been psychoanalyzed for those things but I don't think they'd find anything. All my down days were because something happened to me (not doing well in school, regretting minor mistakes I made in the past, etc.)
I've never been the most confident person. I've never been the biggest fan of myself either. I'm pretty cynical, I can even be pessimistic at times. There's a lot of things I wish I could change about myself. Mostly internal stuff. I've had these feelings for a while now but I've been able to keep them pretty low so long as nothing bad happens to me. On days like this though, they come out real bad and I just feel like shit. I feel so much like shit that eventually I tire myself out from feeling like shit, to the point that I'm left with not knowing what to feel anymore. Just this weird feeling of dread for the future. Feeling like I'm at the mercy of the world. Sometimes this happens in intervals and then I calm down a bit. When those moments happen I feel weird like I should be feeling worse over what happened.
I've always wanted to try and contact one of these support calls. I've gone to guidance counselors before but I never called or done anything like this. I just didn't think my problems were that bad, thinking that there were people with real problems and that mine weren't on that level. I was told about this place and I do feel better getting this out. I'm still worried about what will happen to me in the future though. I just figure I put my feelings out there.
After the final I refrained from going straight home. Because I was still trying to process how uneasy I felt. I drove to a convenience store, bought a slushie to drown my sorrows, parked in a rec center parking lot and listened to sad music in the car. I felt like I was gonna lose it and I had tears falling down my face sitting there alone. Not my finest moment.
I never really wanted to take this class. It was either this one or another one. I couldn't take the other because all the placements got filled up. I needed to take something or else I won't graduate by next year. That's the plan between me and my parents. Finish college. Get a job. Be free to do what I want. I really just wanna get to that point. Just be free.
I already failed a class before. I can't afford to fail another one. I got three strikes before I'm out. I already got one, so another makes two. That's not something to be proud of at school.To be honest, I got it easier than other college kids. I don't work, a live at home, my parents pay for my stuff. I'm a full-time student. All they ask me is that I do well in school. But not even that's too much for me apparently. I got nothing to complain about because school's all I have to worry. Meanwhile, they work their asses off just to support me. I honestly feel guilty about it. I know they'll do anything for me, but it's reasons like that that I don't wanna disappoint them. Can't help but feel like a disappointment at times, though. I just wanna finish school and move on with my life.
Tuition is a pain in the ass and so are the books. I hate making them spend so much on me. I know they work hard for me because they love me but honestly sometimes I wish I wasn't so dependent on them. That way I could give them a break, not have to worry so much about me. I wish I could stop worrying about the future. Just, hit a fast forward button and jump ahead in my life where I'm away from these problems. See the "it gets better" stuff everyone says there is. Figure out how well I'm doing so I can get some certainty. Know for a fact that things will work out for me in the end.
If it's one thing I hate about college is that despite the cost, I hate how necessary it's become. Not having a college degree greatly reduces opportunities and salaries later in life. Economy is getting more competitive with jobs. As if there weren't enough problems these days.
I had one class in this first session to worry about and that was too much for me... Now I got another session with 3 classes and one of them is a 8:30 am. What have I gotten myself into. Jesus.
To be honest I've had thoughts of suicide but they've only ever been thoughts. I mean doesn't everyone? I got no real way of doing it though. Not painlessly actually. Knowing me, I'd regret midway during the act and by that point I may be too late to take it back. Also, if I really did off myself, everyone I'd leave behind would be sad and frustrated over what I did for a long time. "Why'd he do it? What was he thinking? Why didn't I notice there was something wrong? Why didn't I do anything? What could I have done differently! I could have prevented this. But I can't change the fact that he's gone" Honestly the thought that I'd be leaving people in that kind of state makes me too guilty to do it. There's still a lot I wanna do with my life too.
Killing myself won't solve anything. I still get the occasional thought on my really bad days. They just stay thoughts, I wouldn't act on them. I don't have any history of mental illness, depression, drug abuse, or self-harm or anything like that. I get depressed at times but that's not the same as depression.I've never been psychoanalyzed for those things but I don't think they'd find anything. All my down days were because something happened to me (not doing well in school, regretting minor mistakes I made in the past, etc.)
I've never been the most confident person. I've never been the biggest fan of myself either. I'm pretty cynical, I can even be pessimistic at times. There's a lot of things I wish I could change about myself. Mostly internal stuff. I've had these feelings for a while now but I've been able to keep them pretty low so long as nothing bad happens to me. On days like this though, they come out real bad and I just feel like shit. I feel so much like shit that eventually I tire myself out from feeling like shit, to the point that I'm left with not knowing what to feel anymore. Just this weird feeling of dread for the future. Feeling like I'm at the mercy of the world. Sometimes this happens in intervals and then I calm down a bit. When those moments happen I feel weird like I should be feeling worse over what happened.
I've always wanted to try and contact one of these support calls. I've gone to guidance counselors before but I never called or done anything like this. I just didn't think my problems were that bad, thinking that there were people with real problems and that mine weren't on that level. I was told about this place and I do feel better getting this out. I'm still worried about what will happen to me in the future though. I just figure I put my feelings out there.
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