I.... Have the urge to cut, run away, and thoughts of killing myself

[2NDFLOOR]

I have thoughts.. Of just killing myself and seeing how things play out but... I know that im too much of a coward to do it for real.... But first heres my reasoning.... Im the oldest of 5... And i have a s*t ton of pressure ok me to do pretty much everything. I'd like think im pretty smart in school that is... Im in National Honors Society, a few honors classes and one or two ap classes. I do community service, i participate in 2 sports at school: jv soccer and captain of the varsity volleyball team. My SAT's and ACT's say otherwise with a 1600 and a 25. I worked decently hard at it, didnt give it my all. But thats just my fault. My parents.... Are the reason im posting here.... There are times i do like them to an extent and there are times where i dont even know what or why i am here. My younger sister, the second oldest; smart and a great soccer player thats playing for ODP (Olympic Development Program); my brothers all play travel soccer and my little sister is starting rec. I realize as the oldest i need to make sacrifices and i do... But my parents dont realize it because i just play it off like its ok and i understand.... But they think of it as a lack of dedication or a sign of lazyness... I try to make their lives easier so they dont have to worry about me but they make mine harder 10 fold... There have been several times where i dont have a ride home from practice or a game and my mom is rushing to pick me up due to my other siblings soccer schedule. We're in the car and you know she tells me if this is going to be a problem for her I might as well quit... I still have a passion for playing soccer and volleyball but you know im only 17 and im in high school... I already have my drivers license but no car. My parents dont let me drive strictly due to their mistrust of me and i dont know why else... I also feel like their over protective. They still treat me like a f*ng child (excuse me for my language... But im just really angry and upset right now...) and im almost a f*ng adult... Its hard to keep my room clean while i have 3 younger siblings constantly coming in my room with no respect for my area.... So these past few weeks as a junior in high school my moms been like pushing me to think about a local community college ... Which i mean i understand that since they probably dont want to take out loans but like i'm here trying for the past couple of years trying to do atleast above average or something. But my mom... Is like aggravating.... Like really aggravating... Its probably cause she's lost patience with everyone but still. I feel like half of everything in this house is out on me even if im not directly the cause of it. So like i dont hang out much with anyone really like maybe once in a blue moon. Mike always wants to do something with out friend group so they hang out like once a week or something. But like i dont ask my mom cause most of the time she says no or brings something up about her not seeing me study... Like my SAT's and my ACT's are complete shit. I took a class and did the work completed most of the workbooks she got me to study... And i end up with a 1600 both times, and a 25..
So my mom when she was in hs went to this "private high school" and because she went their she thinks she knows how our education is... Sure maybe she has an idea... But she has no f*ng clue how hard some of this is. Anyway; so i have this stupid game that i have on my laptop that i play when i get really stressed with school work and what not that i play with my cousins. After studying a littlebit or finishing some homework i'd take a break and play a game or something. So like its been maybe 4 times where my mom has gone on my computer when i was at school and uninstalled it. This recent time she changed the password on my laptop. (Back story; im really close with one of my cousins but now i dont get to see him anymore cause my aunt is like a cheapstake and my mom called her out at a family event, and now they dont come to any family events so i usually never get to see him anymore. So this game was the only way i got to kinda hang out with him. But my mom doesnt care, she thinks i spend my life on this game...) But overall its just the fact that when i try to make their lives easier (like when i have soccer games that conflict with my siblings scheduled games i tell them its ok i can skip it, but like they dont even wanna go to my games anymore..lol... So they fight with eachother to decide who goes with my sister to her games.. So i kinda feel like sh*t; times where other friends wanna hang out with me somewhere but i tell them no before i ask cause i know we honestly dont have the money to spend on just hanging out so i figure ill stay home and just do stuff with my brothers or go on the cpu...) Well today. She saw me playing. Asked me why i reinstalled it, hit me a few times lol... Not unusual.. And then went on a rant about how stupid i am and all. But like it never used to bother me. Her calling me stupid, but like now i believe her to an extent... And it pisses me off because i feel like all the work ive done is all useless and that since im stupid theres no use in trying anymore cause im not gonna do anything with my life. And like i know that she doesnt wanna pay for me to even go to a four year college cause she thinks ill just do everything but study... And i think another part is that we dont have that much to work with... Like i think the amount if money i made working as a lifeguard in one summer is about 1/4 of what i have in my college fund lol... She just said now that i'd be lucky to get into the local community college and that im not going to get into a college.. Lol i know i shouldnt listen to her but she's said it so much that im scared. Pissed off. And just tired... It just pisses me off that they already know they want me to go to the community college ... And not even try for a diff college... I've seen 0 colleges and im pretty sure my sister has seen more of them then me... THEN THEY TRY F*NG COMPARING HER TO ME. Like not we're not even on the same level... Just because she's in high math and english she's automatically a person who works harder? Bull f*ng sh*t. Middle school is easy as f*k. I breezed through ur with A's and like a few B+'s... Like i pretty much achieved the same awards as she did... But she's not the oldest like i told her to apply to conflict managers.. I told her to take w/e and w/e freshman year.. No one was here to do jack sh*t for me... My parents never went to school here so they dont even know. And my mom tries to f*ng compare herself to me sometimes... Theres a fine line between me and my sister where she's naturally smart and im not as smart but i work a little harder yk... My sister came home one time with that Presidential award certificate and some award ceremony the parents were invited to and were trying ti say that i didnt get any awards �� i legit ran to my room took my folder out and showed them and all they went is "oh.. How come u never told us". And that got me angry cause i would go home show them and tell them what i got if it seemed important. And they just forget and make me to be stupider and less achieving then i actually am... They have no idea, i wanna wait for my sister to go to high school and see how hard she's gonna realize it to be... Then my parents are gonna try and pull the she's doing 4 honors or w/e and cycle restarts....

[2NDFLOOR]

We are so glad you have taken the time to reconsider your thoughts about hurting yourself. There is always another way to deal with stressful and even seemingly unbearable situations like those you have described in your post. Should you feel strongly about hurting yourself again, please call 2NDFLOOR at 1 (888) 222-2228, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) - http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. There’s always someone available to help, day or night.
It can be very difficult being the oldest in a large family, and sometimes we may think that others understand our struggles, and are aware of our sacrifices and challenges, but that may not always be true. Everyone in a family typically has roles and responsibilities that are appropriate to our age and position in the family. For example, parents have the role of caring for the children, and making sure that everyone’s needs are met. The children in turn attend school, and follow the parent’s guidelines for becoming a decent, responsible human being. It would be helpful if you talk to your parents more as you are making your sacrifices to spare them discomfort. You are placing an awful burden on yourself, that your parents could help with, if they were aware of the motivation behind your choices (for example, skipping practices), rather than thinking you are lazy or uncommitted to your school and sports activities. In a big family, it can be challenging enough to keep track of the children’s activities/progress, so it is good that you keep a folder of your achievements as a reminder for them; and yourself, as it should also carry with it, a sense of personal pride for you. It should also remind you that you are not stupid, and are capable of doing great things.
Talking with your school guidance counselor could help put things in perspective for you, in terms of college readiness, financial aid (including scholarship/grant possibilities), school choices, and your overall future goals. Since your Mom is not open (for whatever the reason) to a personal therapist for you, why not tap in on resources you have at your fingertips, the school counselor, who is trained specifically to assist students, like yourself. He/she could assist you in strategies to reducing your stress/agitation/frustration; and even in improving your communication with your parents to be more productive and healthy. Since you are nearly 18, this would be an excellent time to get more in touch with yourself, and who you are becoming as an individual, rather than think of yourself in relation to your younger sibling. Attending a community college may help give you time needed to create your own unique, meaningful life plan that will work for you. For example, participating in sports activities (for some), is a way to manage stress. At some point, you could ask your school counselor to talk with you and your parents to help you all get on the same page.
Please don’t deny yourself opportunities for help because of a few tears. Professionals are prepared to handle much more than that. Call us at 2NDFLOOR to talk further on 1 (888) 222-2228, or visit us at: http://www.2ndfloor.org/
PS, so sorry we had to cut your post a little short. We are limited to the amount of characters we can post, but feel free to call. We can talk as long as you like.

[Unregistered]

Self harm

I used to self harm last year and the school caught me and basically they tried to help but it did but not for long. I was not able to keep myself stable. I recently started cutting again but the only reason i am is because of problems at home and problems outside of school. I try not to but i also have anger issues since i was small. My anger has gotten better it is just that its hard to control it now that i am being bullied through social networks and that i am also being bullied verbally by my family. not the entire family but just some of them. Self harm is the only way that actually relieves my anger when i do get mad. when i am really angry i end u[ cutting farther then the last time i cut. The cuts are not deep i guess but i still feel like i would like to get help. I just do not trust my school or my family or anyone except a friend. i want to get help but i do not want anyone to know because i do not want people to start judging call me a freak or other names.