I need help

[Unregistered]

I feel so alone and abandoned. I haven't had any friends in so long and the only friend I have tried to commit sucide and ever since then I really just don't see a point in living. I have been trying so hard to move on but after my parents got divorced and my old friends make fun of me behind my back I don't know how much more I can take. My mind is always telling me how ugly, pathetic, and stupid I am. I'm never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be anyone's best friend because now my best friend is gone. She left me like every one else and now every feeling I pushed aside has come back. I am easily irritable, unmotivated, lost, alone and really just done. I'll have anxiety attacks and think suicidally but then I'll be fine. It all comes in waves and I honestly don't know how to control it and I need help and even my therapist can't give it to me because I just started after my friend left the hospital after her attempt.

But the part that scares me the most is that I don't feel anything any more. I won't cry when I think about death or my thoughts and when I do I can barely control the urge and I'm afraid of when it'll happen again. I want my friend to come back and talk to me after everything that we've been through but I know she has a lot going on I just wish she wouldn't have blocked me.

I just shut everyone out and expect happiness. And the minute I'm happy I want to be upset. It's like I'm obsessed with sadness. I just want someone to give me some sort of direction because all my parents do is compare me to my friend who attempted. It makes me so upset because I just feel like the don't get the face that maybe I want to die too. Right now I'm stable but I live in fear of the moment I'm not again and now that I have no one to talk to that makes it even worse.

I have no motivation for grades, or exercising at all. I'm literally dead weight and I'm getting fatter every day but everyone tells me how skinny I am, then the next minute I'm a "pregnant whale" like my cousin told me. I just need help I don't know how to manage my mind or where to begin and I need to before I end up hurting myself one day.

[2NDFLOOR]

First, I must say that if you are having thoughts of suicide or want to harm yourself please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 right away!! Someone can help you immediately. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so down about yourself. I don't know much about why you are feeling this way, so all I can say is you are important and deserve to be happy!
You should reach out to a professional counselor to talk about your feelings, here the number to NJ Mental Health Cares at (866) 202-4357, someone can assist you in finding resources and doctors near you. You can also go to your guidance counselor in school to get help as well. Do you have someone you trust to talk to about things, like a parent, a friend, sibling, aunt or uncle? Sometimes just talking about your feelings can help you get to start thinking clearer. I hope you reach out to someone for support today and if you ever need anything further call 2NDFLOOR @ 888-222-2228, we are here 24/7 or text us daily from 4-8PM! You are not alone!!