Tweet
This is becoming a bit frustrating.
I really didn't want to write about my problems online. I don't have that many problems to begin with. My life has been pretty okay, for the most part. I've never been hurt, I never hurt anyone, I never lost anyone. I never had anyone to hurt, to hurt me, to lose. It's hard to explain, really. Why am I doing this? Ah, well, I'm already typing this out. Might as well finish.
So, why I am here. I have extreme social anxiety and low self-esteem. Been that way since kindergarten. Maybe even before that. I found some of my old baby videos and could tell something was up with me.
As a kid growing up, I always had a hope -- a very tiny slither of hope, but hope nonetheless -- that maybe I would 'grow out of it'. That's what the adults would say to me, that it was all a phase, a minor inconvenience and a part of some people's childhoods. And by God did I believe them. That one day I'd pop out of bed with a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and all my doubts and anxieties behind me.
I didn't have much of a childhood. Sat at home, afraid of other kids.
I'm hurting my family and the very few friends I have being this way. I don't want to be distant, I really don't. I'm just a mess when I'm more close to others. It's like there is no middle ground when it comes to my personality. Either I'm so far back in my head I'd might as well not be there or I'm slinging every thought and emotion to those around me without a care in the world. Fortunately, those moments of impulsiveness are fleeting and rare. Unfortunately, they haunt me, and give me reason to slink back further into my mind. 'Why did I say that?', 'Did you see her face? You were making her uncomfortable.', and 'Congrats, you've somehow managed to piss off everyone with a single sentence.'
Did I really piss them off? I don't know. Why didn't I ask them? How would you feel if you were having a normal conversation with a new kid, decided to pause, and then they started flipping out, asking what they did wrong? Uncomfortable, right? Yeah, not risking that.
Yeeeah, I'm not the best at socializing. Can I talk to someone for, like, 10-15 minutes? Sure thing. Present a school project in front of my friends? Easy. Present in front of people I don't know? Have a long and deep conversation with my loved ones? Nope. Ha, I remember this one project I had to do. Talked about medical trials or whatever. My voices was vibrating so hard, sounded almost like I was talking in front of a fan. Then, halfway through, I stopped. It wasn't like I forgot what I was going to say... Okay, maybe a little. But, I remembered it soon enough. What kept the silence going were the stares.
I'm difficult, I know. I'm getting help soon. I am taking a few steps to stop this counterproductive behavior. Those steps mainly consist of 'F it, I'm going to die someday, might as well do it,' mentality, but hey, if the shoe fits, wear it.
Sometimes, meeting new people hurts the most. I act so normal around new people. They see me, they smile, I smile,we greet each other and everything starts off wonderfully. But then, I see them again. You'd think that by knowing them, I'd be more comfortable around them, right? I'm the complete opposite. 'They KNOW me,' I think. 'I have to be as good as my first impression o-or else they'll hate me! I have to be as perfect as everyone else! Just act natural, JUST ACT NATURAL.'
I can see it on their face. I can see it in their eyes. They can see it in my eyes. That inevitable, soul-crushing moment where something clicks and they have that thought: 'She isn't right in the head, is she?' Their smile is so fake, so forced. They rest their hands on my shoulder and ask if I had a nice day, if I'm feeling alright. Our relationship shifts from acquaintances to pity friend. That's 90% of my relationships with other people outside of my family, and 30% with people in my family.
Whenever I talk to people, it looks like they don't want to talk to me. I can just see the hate and disinterest in their eyes. Every time. Everyone. Is it just me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I just seeing things? How can I tell?
Am I really the retarded kid? Is that why people don’t want to be near me?
I hate people who remind me of me.
I hate pity so, so much. I don't deserve it and it doesn't help. These are people who have been abused, people who have been neglected, people who lost their parents, who are looking down at me and going 'Poor girl'. They have gone through so much worse and they still have the ability to smile and go on. Why can't I? What is making me so sad? Emotions are weird.
Soo... yeah, that's about it. Can't think of much else at the moment. Thanks for sitting through all that. Or thanks for skipping it. It is a bit of a long read.
I really didn't want to write about my problems online. I don't have that many problems to begin with. My life has been pretty okay, for the most part. I've never been hurt, I never hurt anyone, I never lost anyone. I never had anyone to hurt, to hurt me, to lose. It's hard to explain, really. Why am I doing this? Ah, well, I'm already typing this out. Might as well finish.
So, why I am here. I have extreme social anxiety and low self-esteem. Been that way since kindergarten. Maybe even before that. I found some of my old baby videos and could tell something was up with me.
As a kid growing up, I always had a hope -- a very tiny slither of hope, but hope nonetheless -- that maybe I would 'grow out of it'. That's what the adults would say to me, that it was all a phase, a minor inconvenience and a part of some people's childhoods. And by God did I believe them. That one day I'd pop out of bed with a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and all my doubts and anxieties behind me.
I didn't have much of a childhood. Sat at home, afraid of other kids.
I'm hurting my family and the very few friends I have being this way. I don't want to be distant, I really don't. I'm just a mess when I'm more close to others. It's like there is no middle ground when it comes to my personality. Either I'm so far back in my head I'd might as well not be there or I'm slinging every thought and emotion to those around me without a care in the world. Fortunately, those moments of impulsiveness are fleeting and rare. Unfortunately, they haunt me, and give me reason to slink back further into my mind. 'Why did I say that?', 'Did you see her face? You were making her uncomfortable.', and 'Congrats, you've somehow managed to piss off everyone with a single sentence.'
Did I really piss them off? I don't know. Why didn't I ask them? How would you feel if you were having a normal conversation with a new kid, decided to pause, and then they started flipping out, asking what they did wrong? Uncomfortable, right? Yeah, not risking that.
Yeeeah, I'm not the best at socializing. Can I talk to someone for, like, 10-15 minutes? Sure thing. Present a school project in front of my friends? Easy. Present in front of people I don't know? Have a long and deep conversation with my loved ones? Nope. Ha, I remember this one project I had to do. Talked about medical trials or whatever. My voices was vibrating so hard, sounded almost like I was talking in front of a fan. Then, halfway through, I stopped. It wasn't like I forgot what I was going to say... Okay, maybe a little. But, I remembered it soon enough. What kept the silence going were the stares.
I'm difficult, I know. I'm getting help soon. I am taking a few steps to stop this counterproductive behavior. Those steps mainly consist of 'F it, I'm going to die someday, might as well do it,' mentality, but hey, if the shoe fits, wear it.
Sometimes, meeting new people hurts the most. I act so normal around new people. They see me, they smile, I smile,we greet each other and everything starts off wonderfully. But then, I see them again. You'd think that by knowing them, I'd be more comfortable around them, right? I'm the complete opposite. 'They KNOW me,' I think. 'I have to be as good as my first impression o-or else they'll hate me! I have to be as perfect as everyone else! Just act natural, JUST ACT NATURAL.'
I can see it on their face. I can see it in their eyes. They can see it in my eyes. That inevitable, soul-crushing moment where something clicks and they have that thought: 'She isn't right in the head, is she?' Their smile is so fake, so forced. They rest their hands on my shoulder and ask if I had a nice day, if I'm feeling alright. Our relationship shifts from acquaintances to pity friend. That's 90% of my relationships with other people outside of my family, and 30% with people in my family.
Whenever I talk to people, it looks like they don't want to talk to me. I can just see the hate and disinterest in their eyes. Every time. Everyone. Is it just me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I just seeing things? How can I tell?
Am I really the retarded kid? Is that why people don’t want to be near me?
I hate people who remind me of me.
I hate pity so, so much. I don't deserve it and it doesn't help. These are people who have been abused, people who have been neglected, people who lost their parents, who are looking down at me and going 'Poor girl'. They have gone through so much worse and they still have the ability to smile and go on. Why can't I? What is making me so sad? Emotions are weird.
Soo... yeah, that's about it. Can't think of much else at the moment. Thanks for sitting through all that. Or thanks for skipping it. It is a bit of a long read.
Comment