I don't know what to do

[DrummingAngel]

Hi, I am a 14 year old female and my cousin/best friend told me about the 2nd floor for when I need help whith my issues. Lately I've been feeling compelled i guess you would call it to self harm. I have almost been 2 months clean but the urdge gets stronger every day and i don't know what I'm going to do. For the past week and a half all I've been fealing is nothing and I just feal emotioally and phisically drained. I don't know how to explain it, but it's just that I feel worse than when I was self harming. I've been really busy with my school work( I'm homeschooled) so that means I don't usally have time to practice the drums or my viola, which is my main scorce of release. I'm scarred of myself because I know what I've done and can do to myself. I have trust issues because of a past I don't want to talk about and so I've told my cousin I don't want to see a counciler. I mainly don't want to see a counciler because of the trust issues and because of me hating to share my feelings and to admitt i need help. I am use to bottoling up my feelings and putting on a fake smile so that i can just be left alone with the monster i call myself. I have had sucidal thoughts before but when it happens it isn't often. It has been really hard to do stuff i would normally like to do for instance, I am a huge gamer and love playing games like World of Warcraft or Fallout3, without feeling somwhat sad/depressed. I guess the main thing I am looking forward to is this saturday so that way i can lay down on my part of the trundle bed( I am the oldest of 5 and share a room) listing to my Heavy metal music.All in all i just feel like a sh*tty sister,cousin, and friend. In conclusion I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm afraid of what I'll do. Sorry this was so long and that there is punctuation/spelling misteakes.(I'm a cr*ppy speller)

[2NDFLOOR]

hello, it is great that you are reaching out to 2NDFLOOR regarding the feelings you are having. Let me start by saying the fact that you haven't self harmed in 2 months is an accomplishment that you should be proud of! If these feelings are starting to come back to you it would be really good to talk to someone about it. I know you said you don't want to see a counselor because of trust issues, but they are there to help you. Regarding the thoughts of suicide or feeling sad and depressed it would be best to try and do things you enjoy. For instance you said you enjoy music, listening to music is a good coping mechanism to how you are feeling. You can also try things like drawing or taking a walk to clear your head. A good website to look at would be www.selfinjury.com or www.selfharm.net. You can also text 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline on Friday nights from 4pm-8pm @ 908-280-0235 or call us anytime @ 888-222-2228 we are here to help!