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Is this normal?

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  • Is this normal?

    I'm chronically online, so I know all about "self-diagnosing" and "symptoms of ___" that are actually just normal things that people do, but I don't feel like what I'm experiencing is normal. I don't need a diagnosis, but could someone who's feeling the same way or someone who knows about this kind of thing happening tell me what I should do? I am very insecure and I tend to put on a different personality around different people, so I have this crazy thought that they are watching me through some camera or microphone they put on me and I have to keep that act even in my own room alone, but it's not insecurity, I just feel uncomfortable. I have posters of singers I like on my walls, and I always think they have hidden cameras in them and they're watching me for some reason when I sing to their songs. I am Christian, but when I pray to God and talk to Him, I always feel like I'm in some cheesy and stupid movie. When I was younger, I would have to be standing on certain items or reach certain points within some time I set for myself or else I would fail some game show I was in or something would hurt me. I always hide and scare people and I literally feel a physical urge to scare them for some reason? Like I can't not, or they're gonna scare me. Badly. The only person I've told all of this to doesn't talk to me anymore, and she was chronically online too and told me I have "depersonalization" but I don't even know what that is and I don't like to self diagnose. She said its also why I mouth the words to songs more than I actually sing them, which is true but I think unrelated? Am I just very paranoid or anxious? This doesn't feel normal but I know that and I know I'm not that special so why can't I stop?

    Ill give an example. Just today I was training this girl at my job and we shook hands before I went home. I have to have my hair up for my job, so I didn't want to take it down because I figured shes watching me from some camera and she would be surprised? I wanted to take a bath but I didn't want to be naked just in case anyone was staring at me through a camera. Every time I meet someone new, I feel this, like they will see my life. And when I cry, I feel embarrassed, like some stupid sad song starts playing in my head and its all cheesy and weird. I don't even know if that's related to people watching me.
    Sorry for the rant. Please someone tell me what is going on.

    And no, my parents refuse to ever take me to a therapist (long story), and no I don't have close friends to talk to. And I am also 14 turning 15 in a few weeks. I don't have siblings either.

  • #2
    Hello, glad you reached out. Sounds like you have a lot on your mind and are overwhelmed a bit. Some of your worries are natural and it can happen. I know you mentioned your parents won’t take you for counseling but we encourage you to speak with a safe adult in your family and possibly get connected to resources that can help you. You are also more than welcome to contact our helpline by text or phone, call 24-7 at 888-222-2228 to speak with a support counselor more in depth about what is going on. You can also call a warm line from the mental health association at and a resource that helps with anxiety at (877) 292-5588.

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