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I've never had any kind of relationship with anyone. Been lonely my whole life.
I'm a girl and I'm 19. Would be attending my 2nd year of college this fall. Lately I've been feeling very overwhelmed thinking about my life. I've realized that I have no relationships, whether friendly or casual, with anyone. I never had. I've sorta been coming to the realization that I'm autistic. I literally just cannot speak up, ever. I had no friends in high school, thus no interest in Facebook and whatnot, however odd as I am I do creep on a few peoples' social media accounts maybe like once or twice a month. Why? I'm not sure. These were kids I had some interest in but never had been able to reach out to and form any kind of friendships. I don't know why I'm still interested in them, but a few hours ago I checked up on a few and I just can't avoid the fact that I'm so different from everyone else. I don't have a life. No one besides my parents would notice if I died and I sincerely mean it. I have a twitter but I don't have any followers, I merely have one just to keep tabs on news and favorite celebrities or whatever. I have a tumblr but again I don't talk to anyone on there, just reblog stuff yet I am 'addicted' to the site. I find it difficult to talk to people even online. I struggle to find words, even right now as I'm typing this.
My mind is at a blank trying to figure out what to say so I'll talk about my parents now. First off, they are immigrants. Lately all they've been doing is talking about me being a failure. I did awful my first year in college, even failed a class, and I was supposed to be on pre-med track. It's not something that interested me, but its what they want so I thought I'd suck it up and go through with it. They complain that all they can do is listen to their peers talk about their kids and how great they are (literally we know 5 people of our background accepted to med-school). My parents for a while, if anyone asked, would say that I'm studying bio and aiming for medicine. Now they bitch about how embarrassing it is that they have to lie to other people about me, which is understandable, but I feel they never should have had whatever high expectations they had - I mean my grades were slipping in regular class in high school, come on. I was never serious about premed though, I don't know what I was doing - stalling for time I guess? Since I was in 10th grade I'd planned on killing myself but only after my parents have gone, for their sake I suppose. I'd been hoping they die since, literally was excited when I heard my dad was involved in a car accident twice (nothing serious happened to him) but ended up disappointed when finding out he was fine. I never wanted to murder my parents, but I did wish something would happen to them and that they'd die - so I can have my moment of freedom and kill myself without guilt. Anyway, being that they are immigrants and so are all their peers, everyone is working crappy jobs and supposedly just going through all this for their children. That being said, education is HIGHLY valued. My parents don't drink/smoke unlike their peers, so for them, they see it as, "why are you like this? where have we gone wrong?" etc. blah blah blah - I really can't find the words right now, but another point, when I was younger I was not allowed to go out and I think this fact, how other kids who were friends were each would hang out outside of school as well, kind of made me antisocial - in that I didn't see the point in trying to talk to kids because there wouldn't be a close relationship like I desire if limited in school. I never did clubs, particularly because nothing interests me. Oh and when I was kid my dad did hit me, and I guess I am verbally abused now (calling me worthless and whatnot) but that's nothing - I don't need any of you telling me that abuse is wrong blah blah blah - the kids of my parents' peers literally go through the same thing and they're fine. Me complaining about this aspect is just weak. I just felt like adding this because all the taunting does contribute to my lowly feelings right now.
I've never had interest in school, and through my life, or lack of, lost interest in living. I've been crying a lot in bed. I've spent 19 hours in bed frequently this summer. I can't change. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just skimming through the surface right now as I'm writing this because my mind is blank but yeah, I don't need any of you to tell me I'm depressed or suicidal because I'm well aware of that. I'm not writing this looking for "help", rather just venting if anything so that's it for now.
My mind is at a blank trying to figure out what to say so I'll talk about my parents now. First off, they are immigrants. Lately all they've been doing is talking about me being a failure. I did awful my first year in college, even failed a class, and I was supposed to be on pre-med track. It's not something that interested me, but its what they want so I thought I'd suck it up and go through with it. They complain that all they can do is listen to their peers talk about their kids and how great they are (literally we know 5 people of our background accepted to med-school). My parents for a while, if anyone asked, would say that I'm studying bio and aiming for medicine. Now they bitch about how embarrassing it is that they have to lie to other people about me, which is understandable, but I feel they never should have had whatever high expectations they had - I mean my grades were slipping in regular class in high school, come on. I was never serious about premed though, I don't know what I was doing - stalling for time I guess? Since I was in 10th grade I'd planned on killing myself but only after my parents have gone, for their sake I suppose. I'd been hoping they die since, literally was excited when I heard my dad was involved in a car accident twice (nothing serious happened to him) but ended up disappointed when finding out he was fine. I never wanted to murder my parents, but I did wish something would happen to them and that they'd die - so I can have my moment of freedom and kill myself without guilt. Anyway, being that they are immigrants and so are all their peers, everyone is working crappy jobs and supposedly just going through all this for their children. That being said, education is HIGHLY valued. My parents don't drink/smoke unlike their peers, so for them, they see it as, "why are you like this? where have we gone wrong?" etc. blah blah blah - I really can't find the words right now, but another point, when I was younger I was not allowed to go out and I think this fact, how other kids who were friends were each would hang out outside of school as well, kind of made me antisocial - in that I didn't see the point in trying to talk to kids because there wouldn't be a close relationship like I desire if limited in school. I never did clubs, particularly because nothing interests me. Oh and when I was kid my dad did hit me, and I guess I am verbally abused now (calling me worthless and whatnot) but that's nothing - I don't need any of you telling me that abuse is wrong blah blah blah - the kids of my parents' peers literally go through the same thing and they're fine. Me complaining about this aspect is just weak. I just felt like adding this because all the taunting does contribute to my lowly feelings right now.
I've never had interest in school, and through my life, or lack of, lost interest in living. I've been crying a lot in bed. I've spent 19 hours in bed frequently this summer. I can't change. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just skimming through the surface right now as I'm writing this because my mind is blank but yeah, I don't need any of you to tell me I'm depressed or suicidal because I'm well aware of that. I'm not writing this looking for "help", rather just venting if anything so that's it for now.
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