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Was it sexual assault?
So two nights ago, after my final concert, I had an a cappella after party, as we always do. It was a lot of fun and wonderful. At one point, we all sang our audition songs for everyone and it was just really beautiful. J (boy with whom I have slept in the past) and I don't really get along very well. But after I sang my audition song, he said "That's why I fought for you so hard." and I went to him and thanked him and he said "Listen, I know that I give you a lot of sh*t all the time, but I do truly love you. You are my family. My sister. My brother. Wait that's like incest. I don't want to think about it." and I said "Let's just stop at family and leave it there" and then the party continued and more people sang. Later, we were all hanging out on the porch, and talking and smoking cigars and whatnot (not me - others). People started trickling back inside but I didn't really notice because I was staring out at the stars and talking to J about life, etc. Then all of a sudden, he pressed his body up against mine and tried to kiss me. I told him to stop. I told him that a girl with whom he has been recently involved is my friend. He told me that that was of no matter. That she didn't factor into anything. That I wanted him to do it. That I wanted him. That I was being childish for saying no to something as simple as a connection between two people. I kept on saying no but he didn't let me say no. I was really drunk. He was really drunk. At one point, I just kind of stopped speaking. He led me down the stairs to the porch area of the apartment in the basement (no one was home, it seemed. Or it was darkish, and that was enough for him), and took my shirt and bra off. I told him it was a bad idea. He said I was probably right, and gave me my clothes back. But I was talking about everything, not about my clothes (but my clothes, too). He told me to get on the ground and like an obedient little drunk girl in a trance, I did, and he pulled down my pants and he penetrated me and then after a little bit of time he pulled me up and stuck his penis in my mouth and finished and then he left the party.
I don't know how I should feel about it. I feel paralyzed. I feel guilty that this happened again. I feel guilty for doing something to hurt my best friend, again. But I also feel like I didn't want it to happen. That even in the moment, I was not participating. That everything was simply happening to me. I feel like he disrespected me. That he didn't listen to me. That my words meant nothing.
I don't know how I should feel about it. I feel paralyzed. I feel guilty that this happened again. I feel guilty for doing something to hurt my best friend, again. But I also feel like I didn't want it to happen. That even in the moment, I was not participating. That everything was simply happening to me. I feel like he disrespected me. That he didn't listen to me. That my words meant nothing.
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