fed up

[Unregistered]

I cant stand putting my grandparents through Hell after being in 3 different hospitals in five months. I was released three weeks ago. Now everyday of my grandparents lives they are miserable.( I live with my grandparents ). I keep on telling them that I am suicidal and self injurious. This time I am not going back to the hospital which is good I guess. Even if I am not in the hospital my grandparents are still miserable. Probably because I keep pulling cry for suicide and self harm shit. Its all my fault that they are miserable. Also Knives, pills, and even butter knives have to be locked up in a safe. SHAME ON ME! I am not going to kill or hurt myself or others its just that I have thoughts of it though. Now whenever I talk to my grandmother she gives me a bad attitude and yells at me. Now my grandfather is just extremely depressed. How can I cheer them both up? I feel as if I am lost in the woods not knowing what to do and where to turn. Right now I just feel guilty, ashamed, and disappointed. Please help me!

[2NDFLOOR]

I am sorry to hear that you are in a difficult time right now. I understand that you are going through a lot and that both you and your grandparents are really stressed. You are not doing these things on purpose you just really need help but it is a lot for your grandparents to deal with at their age. If you keep "only having thoughts and are not acting on it" then there is no reason for you to keep going to the hospital. Also, if you "are not going to kill or hurt yourself or others and its just thoughts" you should stop "telling them that you are suicidal and self injurious" if you are really not and feel safe. Talking to your grandparents about your feelings and thoughts is one thing but blowing it out of proportion and getting them all bent out of shape is another. Are you seeing a therapist that you can talk to and pour all your thoughts and stress out into those sessions? I feel like that may also help to alleviate the tone in your house. Also if you show change and positiveness that may help change their attitudes too. I am not sure how old you are but since summer is right around the corner I think it would be a great idea to get involved in a lot of activities or get a job or even volunteer. Make sure you also help out your grandparents as much as you can whether it is a household chore or helping with grocery shopping. Now if your thoughts change to attempted actions or become more stronger that you feel like you are going to hurt yourself it is extremely important for you to voice that and get help immediately whether you are worried about your grandparents reactions or not. There are also many helplines that you can call including us here at the 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline 24/7 at 888-222-2228. Other helplines you can call is NJ Hopeline 855-654-6735, Hope Center Hotline 800-784-2433 www.hopeline.com, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org, Suicide Prevention Website www.metanoia.org/suicide, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention 888-333-2377 www.afsp.org. I really hope and suggest you use these resources. Please take care of yourself.