Drained

[Unregistered]

Hi! Well I really guess ive forgotten how to talk about my feelings. It's just that I always find myself helping everyone with their feelings and problems....and people forget to ask me if I'm okay. I suppose it's partly my fault. I mean I always wear this fake facade and smile and laugh all the time so everyone just assumes I'm doing fine. But truth is, I'm not okay. My mom always says I'm changing and whenever I make one mistake, she forgets all the good things I've done. She calls me foolish and selfish and says I like to feel sorry for myself. It really sucks. But it's not verbal abuse or anything because she only does it when she's mad at me. I just hate it when she calls me selfish or names just in general. It makes me feel like garbage and like I'm not good enough to be her daughter. Also, I have really low self confidence and always feel so ugly and terrible about who I am. I'm kind of awkward which doesn't help the situation, either. Especially with guys because I'm just not the kind of girl that guys are into. Especially this one really sweet and smart guy. But I know I'm probably not his type and I'm pretty sure he knows I like him so he started getting awkward around me so obviously he doesn't feel the same. I've been really good with not self harming, especially with the weather getting better, so I can't wear long sleeves to hide scars. But I've started cutting on my upper thigh. I keep a journal and write poetry and my feelings down but that can only help so much. I want to change but I don't know how. Therapy isn't an option because my mom wouldn't sign me up. Please don't tell me to ask and that I may be surprised because honestly, I know my mom. She will once again think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just really dislike myself and I'm kind of stuck...

[2NDFLOOR]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. In life, we have no ability to change other people. All change that we want to make happen in our lives has to start with ourselves and how we act and react with others. Part of the low self confidence you describe yourself having seems to be that you answer questions for other people. You assume that boy doesn't like you, you assume no one will help you and that your mom won't put you in therapy, but the truth is you don't know for sure. It's possible that the boy likes you back (can't say for sure of course) and he's too shy to make a move himself. It's possible that your mom might be concerned if she knew the extent of your feelings and cutting. The problem is, you'll never find out unless you ask, but you have to be willing to do that and then prepared for possible rejection. Cutting doesn't solve anything, so it's good that you're stopping that behavior. Smiling on the outside is a defense mechanism that people use to keep others away. You are again making a decision for your friends by showing them you are happy when you're not, this way, they don't even bother to reach out to you to see if you need help. It's ok to be vulnerable at times and sometimes not getting what you want isn't the worst thing. For instance, imagine you tell this boy how you feel and he says he doesn't feel the same way about you. That would hurt, but you'd have an answer instead of sitting around wondering if he feels the same way about you. Then with that answer you could make concrete plans to move forward, instead of sitting in the same place wondering. Call us anytime to discuss further at 888-222-2228.

[Unregistered]

Thanks!

I guess I never thought of it like that. I make too many assumptions and put up too many walls, and it just separates me from everyone. This advice is so helpful, thank you!