I want to die.

[Unregistered]

Hi, I want to die. Every day I wake up to a darkness consuming me. I used to push it aside. I used to be fine but now it is changing me. I hate who I am. I used to be fun and carefree. I used to be strong and not care about what other people thought. I was independent. I didn't need others to make me happy so I never let them get too close. Everyone thought they knew me but nobody actually did. To them, I was sweet. I was harmless. I was fragile. My friends knew I was dependable and never lied. They knew I was smart. I knew I was smart. College changed everything. I got into a good school. I have ADD so didn't get much out of high school, and when I was treated I didn't even have to try. I got straight A's, did really well on SATs without studying, made it into college when I thought I wouldn't even make it through high school. I had so much confidence and it all got crushed. I am dumb, so, so dumb. I nearly failed all of my classes. I made it into the school of my dreams and now they threaten to kick me out. I can't handle even this semester. I grew up being the failure in my family and grew into the success story but now I am back at the bottom. I am so sick of feeling like I am worth something and then have it torn away. I am so sick of false security. I thought I was going to be okay, but now I am not. If I don't make it in this college I have nowhere else I want to go. I have research opportunities that are impressive for sophomores but I will never be able to participate in them. I am tired of letting people down. I am not who I used to be. I am dependent and whiny. I need compliments and cry like a pregnant lady. I latch on to people I don't even like. I lie when all I thought I and was my integrity. I don't know who I am anymore, but I know who I was. The worst feeling in the world is being physically unable to reach happiness. I am such a failure. I will always be a failure. Happiness is temporary. The best way to describe it is this: Sometimes I laugh or talk to someone really cool and I feel like there is a single light shining through the darkness, but then while I am replying or after I look away, the light slowly get dimmer and eventually it is consumed by this looming shadow and I am once again alone in an endless abyss of black. I have no way out. I can't talk to anyone. I have been in therapy before and it didn't help. It blamed my problems on the people I love and don't want to hurt instead of actually helping me. I don't want to fail out of school. I don't want to be an embarrassment. I am so sick of failing at everything. I literally do nothing right. I thought going back to work would help but today I woke up miserable, went to work miserable, and I am going to bed miserable. The worst part is, my coworker asked if I was okay, and i just said, "I'm just tired". Also, I hate to be that girlfriend who is such an emotional train wreck that he won't want to deal with me. I have cut before, and I want to do it again. It was just a single cut on my hip two years ago, but tracing the scar gives me comfort. I can go to bed anxious and uncomfortable, but when i take my knife and trace it over the scar, leaving a slight burning scratch, I feel relaxed. I am a writer, but besides this I can no longer write. I ride horses but my horse is so far away and I can't afford to have him close. I am so trapped and I truly believe that my life is not going to get any better.

[2NDFLOOR]

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Sorry to hear how alone you are feeling, but there are people who care about you and what is happening in your life. You are not alone even if you may feel that way at this moment. Suicide or hurting yourself is never the answer to a problem. It sounds like there are a lot of changes happening in your life which can be extremely overwhelming.

If you are feeling suicidal right now then do not hesitate to call 911 or your local hospital's crisis center for help. You can even just go to the emergency room for a crisis evaluation. It’s also a good idea to tell someone that you trust, like your parents, a friend, a family member, a teacher, guidance counselor, school nurse, or your doctor. There is no reason to go through all of this alone and there is help available!

You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273- 8255 or NJ Hopeline at 855-654-6735 or go to the website @ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org there is a lot of information that could give you support, and other help to give you hope.
You can also go to Teen Self Injury www.selfinjury.com or call them at (800) 366-8288 to find support. I hope all of this has helped.
If you need more help call 2NDFLOOR at 888-222-2228! We are here 24/7 and can help you find more local resources.

[Unregistered]

Please please call the NJ Hopeline, they can help!