Im just so sad.

[Unregistered]

The title says it all. I'm just really really sad. I have extreme social anxiety to the point where I go for hours a time during the day without speaking one word. Sometimes the sound of my voice surprises me. My "friends" ignore me or completely talk over me, never listening to my thoughts or feelings. I used to be very close to my mom, but as I got older (im 14) she started trying to invade my privacy. She read my texts, diaries, journals, anything really. I felt so betrayed. (Oh and my father and step-mother did this to me first.) I know it doesn't sound like an actual problem but I expressed all of my emotions and feelings into my diaries and then they just read it. I don't speak with my father anymore because of it. He and my step-mother were extremely controlling when I was there. Tey bullied me into submission for everything they wanted. I don't talk with my mom at all now. I just cry in my room every night with my cat. I feel my cat is my only friend. I thank God every day that I have her. My mom and dad don't believe in God and think it is silly, however I do. I'm not super religious at all; I just believe he's there. This week was extremely stressful. One of my teachers is the strictest and most brutal I've ever had. He favors the kids who get A's and he makes the kids who get B's and C's feel like they aren't good enough. We had a test on monday and I studied for four hours. I felt so confident, but totally missed a topic on the test. I try so hard, so so hard. For the last two trimesters I've gotten Bs. I'm a straight A student. Anyway, I've been crying for the past couple days because of my mishap. I feel I've gotten a C. He's the kind of person who just makes kids feel bad if they aren't perfect. And boy am I far from perfect. I just am so done with everything. I've never thought about committing suicide however I've thought about it alot. I would never do it, as my family would never get over it- sounds conceited but they really would never be happy again. I've been thinking about calling your hotline. But I could never do it when my mom was home. I just am so scared of being judged and I know that I wouldn't be if I called, but I just my social anxiety is so bad it feels like I'm drowning sometimes. Thank you for listening.

[2NDFLOOR]

I'm really glad that you're reaching out for some support. It's very brave of you to speak out about what you've been experiencing. It sounds like your sadness and anxiety has become really overwhelming. Journaling or writing in a diary is a great coping skill you've been using. However, I'm sorry to hear that your privacy was invaded by your family. It's completely understandable that you may feel betrayed, hurt, and angry. Although your family's actions were not appropriate, it may be helpful to consider why they were motivated to read your journals/texts. It sounds as though your family cares about you and maybe even has some worry concerning your well-being. It might be that your family is noticing your sadness, anxiety, and social withdrawal, but are unsure of how to help you. Many parents have a hard time dealing with their children getting older and try to stay close to them in ways that can be frustrating. It ultimately seems as though your family really wants to understand your experiences. From what you describe, it sounds as though one of your classes is also contributing to your anxiety, along with your high expectations of yourself. It can be helpful to have some compassion for yourself regarding how difficult the class is, and also recognize that getting a B is a good grade! Regardless of the way you believe your teacher acts towards students who get less than an A, your own self-perception is very important. It can be helpful for you acknowledge that you have been working extremely hard this year and have been getting pretty good grades. Those are things you can feel proud of!

You must be in a great deal of pain when you have thoughts of ending your life. Have you ever shared these emotions with any adults you trust? It may be that your social anxiety often prevents you from expressing yourself, but sharing your experience with a trusted adult is the first step to feeling better. It sounds as though your mom, dad, and step-mom are already interested in learning about what you're thinking and feeling. If you're not ready to share with your family, your school counselor might be another adult whom you can open up to and who will provide you with resources. Speaking up about your thoughts and feelings can be scary, but it's similar to journaling (or posting on our message board) in that it can take a weight of your shoulders. Sharing with others also has the added benefit of connecting you with those who can help. If you feel truly in danger of ending your life, you can reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or call 911 right away. It already sounds like you have some strong coping skills in journaling, spending time with your cat, and your faith. We are available 24/7 at 888-222-2228 via call or text if you need any further support. Please don't hesitate to reach out! Thank you for contacting 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline!

[Unregistered]

I understand

Hey! I don't know if you're reading this, but I totally get you.
In 8th grade, (when I was 14) my mom started spying on me and my grades dwindled. I was a straight A but went down to a D in math.
I understand how this affected you and I am so so so sorry. I was able to /improve/ all of the negative thoughts in my brain by simply reminding myself that's it's not my fault and I'm still valid.
Your grades and parents do not define you. its okay to not go out of the house all the time. I still haven't fully accepted it, but just reminding yourself will help you. Take breaks while studying. Take care of yourself. Nap, or sleep earlier. If you confide with god, then pray to him as you study. Just make sure your brain is doing okay too. It might not fix everything, but it will bring some peace of mind and relaxation into your life.
When it comes to your mom, dad and step mom, I have been dealing witb that for quite a while and here's what I've learned (from that aspect) : BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WRITE! For your own safety, only type and talk about things on your phone you aren't worried about them seeing. If possible, take notes down on a side instagram acc (if you have one) that no one knows about so that only you see it.
Along with this, remind yourself that hiding what you are writing isn't bad of you. It's the fault of your parents for making you feel as if you should hide your feelings.
I hope this helps. Good luck with everything!