Bad feel good and good feel bad?

[Unregistered]

Hiya,
Okay so, i'm a person who has been depressed for more than 3 years now. I'm 16. It's been quite a
long time, Sometimes it gets really severe and sometimes it's almost nothing, but it's usually always
there. Living with depression has become normal to me. A part of everyday life. I know it sounds
bad, but i quite like it? In someways at least... I don't know why. I mean, i have ways to become
happy i guess, but just i don't seem to want to? I feel like i don't want to seek happiness. I have been
in contact with counselors and stuff, but just hated it. I hated it so much. (I usually get too frustrated
to talk, almost cry and remain silent when ever i meet someone.) I know i need help, but i just don't
want any professional help. I stopped seeing the counselors i was seeing 'cause I lied to them i was
getting better. I don't talk to my parents about things, it makes me too frustrated to even open my
mouth (They know about my depression) and i don't want to talk to any of my friends. I don't want
to talk. What's the point, if i don't want to get better? I don't want to get rid of depression, I feel like
a part of me.
This year/last year I've been feeling really worthless and I've lost about 75% of my self esteem.
Some of my friends are suffering from depression at the moment (some of them in therapy) it just
makes me so frustrated to see anyone else depressed. It sounds so selfish, i hate to say it, but it does.
I have my own problems and i always worry about others too much so it adds to the pile of other
worries. I'm also a perfectionist and afraid of failure so that just makes me really stressed at school.
I've lost motivation to do stuff there, so that just makes it even more perfect. I'm exhausted.
I have dealt with self harm and it started again this year, two years after quitting and I've been
thinking about death and sometimes even fantasized about it for a few months. I know i'm not going
to kill myself so why bother talking about it? Dark thoughts don't really make me anxious or
anything, they feel normal. Those are my thoughts usually. On the other hand, sometimes i just
fantasize about someone coming to "rescue" me from this.. I know no one can really help me and i
can only help myself with this, but.. When ever i'm starting to feel "better", I get really frustrated
'cause i don't want get better. I feel conflicted.. I guess i just think i don't deserve it? No idea. It
sounds like, no one could possibly ever like feeling like this and i partly don't of course. There are
times that i just cry silently in my room. Crying feel good when you do it alone. I don't want anyone
to comfort me. There are those times i feel really 'not good' and i want to get rid of those feelings, i
feel really anxious and stuck and i think about getting help, but after that.. After that i feel kinda
good.. i mean, not like happy good, but like i want to get back to feeling bad.. Like it's an
addiction..(I don't know what i'm writing right now..) I don't know what to do.. Sometimes i just hate
living.. I feel trapped.. I'm tired.. really tired

[2NDFLOOR]

So maybe you have become used to it and it feels comfortable or maybe you've even grown to like it, but either way just accepting depression and not working to do something about it doesn't sound like a healthy situation. With the understanding that you've tried counselors and don't care for it (even though not all counselors are the same and you could keep trying until you find one you like), there are other people in your life you can talk with about depression. What about teachers or other adults in your school, if you're religious, maybe a church figure, or other family members aside from your parents like grandparents, aunts/uncles or cousins. If you expand your pool a little, maybe you'll be able to find someone out there that is capable of helping you. Another option is to go to you local bookstore and look in the self-help section for books on depression and/or self-esteem. Maybe even your local library where it's free to check them out. See if there is anything in them that makes sense to you or is helpful. Finally, as a last option, there are some online support groups for depression, just make sure they are run by someone that knows what they doing and not just a group of people that are not helping each other and possibly making each other worse. Honestly, your best option is going back into therapy, but that's not something that can be forced on you, you have to want to do it. Self-harming again is not a good thing. You probably already know some or most of this stuff since you've already stopped for 2 years at some point in your life, however, maybe reviewing it would be helpful.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-abo...sues/self-harm
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