My Therapist

[Unregistered]

I've been seeing my therapist for about a year and a half and I still have trouble talking to her. I have so much on my mind and so much I want to say, but I can't get the words out. I'm nervous to talk and I don't know what's holding me back. It is frustrating me and for sure is frustrating her. I don't think she even wants to see me anymore. There are times where I don't even say a word. She initiates the little conversations that we have by bringing up things and she asks questions. Sometimes she doesn't even bring up the hard topics to talk about like self harm, anxiety, and depression, and so forth, it is just everyday questions and I still have trouble.

At the end of each session she is like, "well where are we going to go from here"? She asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to continue to come to therapy and come see her, she said I could be honest. I didn't give an answer, we just sat in silence. I really want to keep seeing her. I usually try to see her once a week but it does not always work because of her schedule, my schedule, and my schedule. She is not in office this week so I am not sure when I will see her again, but I want to go back whenever I see her and I want to begin talking. I want her to know that it feels impossible. She probably won't even understand it because I can't even understand myself. She tells me that she wishes that she can know what's going on in my pretty little mind and wishes that she could read my mind, but she obviously can't.

I feel safe by bottling things up, but then it becomes overwhelming and I end up cutting or harming myself. I don't even tell her the truth about cutting and it kills me to lie to her, but I am scared to tell her when I cut because I don't want to be sent to the ER and be admitted because I am not safe. And I most definitely don't want her telling my mom because my mom DOES NOT UNDERSTAND it and she just yells and screams at me and makes everything worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish it was easier to talk, I really do.

[2NDFLOOR]

Building a relationship with a therapist where you feel completely comfortable opening up can take time so don't get down on yourself for not opening up as much as you have wanted to. You're therapist may have asked you if you want to continue because she isn't sure if you are at a point where you want to start discussing these difficult topics. I know you are worried about discussing self-harm but it sounds like when you don't talk about this/how you are feeling you lead to self-harm anyway. Your counselor can help you develop coping skills and find different ways to express feeling overwhelmed. If you feel ready contact your counselor and set up another appointment. When you walk in tell her how you have been feeling. If you don't feel that you can say it to her directly or are afraid you won't say it write it down first. You can either hand her what you wrote or read it from the piece of paper. It sounds like you're ready to start talking you just need to take that first step! If you want to talk more call/text 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline 24/7 at 888-222-2228.