2 AM Blues

[Unregistered]

My counselor recommended this site a while ago but I never had a real reason to go on it until now.

I woke up about an hour ago, 1 AM, crying, shaking, and numb. I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop it. I texted some of my friends to see if they were up as well, since it's summer and we're all practically sleeping at dawn, anyway, and bless this one friend of mine that replied.

I don't know if I exactly "suffer" from anything. I've never been tested for depression or attended formal therapy. I've gone to a counselor at my school before to talk about some issues concerning thoughts of mine that just aren't healthy for anyone to conjure up, but that kind of venting is very short-term. This school year I was suggested by another friend of mine that therapy helps, as it helps her, and I should try it.
I talked to my father, who I trust more than myself, about the issue. He suffers from clinical depression and went to therapy before, so I thought he would be more understanding than my mother. He wasn't outwardly for or against it, but he did suggest that attending therapy would only further change my view on life, myself, and how others see myself. I would be "someone who goes to therapy" instead of just me.

Tonight the friend that kept me company said that I needed help, because he could only do so much. I agree, and I don't want to pressure him into helping me all the time when he has a life to live, y'know?
One of my main issues, he says, is that I hate myself for no reason.

It's true. I hate myself. I've hated nearly every part of me for what feels like years now. For no reason? Not to me.
I don't feel like I am everything I can be. I have big dreams but little belief in myself to reach them. I think too far ahead into the future. I'm going into junior year of high school starting September and I'm scared I won't marry while I'm still, bluntly, fertile. I want to have the life my mother and father share. They're happily in love and there for each other, with their only child. Me.
I'm not the best they could have had and I only blame myself for that.
But my motivation to get up in the morning is depleting, as well as to do anything else.

Sometimes to get things done I just work unhappily in silence, but that's not how I want to be.

I repremand myself when I do something bad.
I blame everything wrong in my world on myself, because it probably is my fault to begin with.
Will therapy really help?

I want to be happy with myself. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to hate myself anymore.

But I don't know how.

Goodnight.

[2NDFLOOR]

It's great that you're able to reach out on the message board, as well as to your friend, school counselor, and father, when you need support. It sounds like your father wants to give you power to make the decision to enter therapy on your own. While therapy has had somewhat of a stigma in our society in previous generations, that stigma is now being eliminated as more people begin to understand the different uses of therapy. It's not necessary to have any diagnosed psychiatric conditions to enter therapy. Therapy or counseling can be useful to anyone who would like some extra support in their lives. It sounds like therapy/counseling might be helpful in altering the negative perceptions you have about yourself. It must be hard to handle those thoughts and fears on your own. You can always reach out to our helpline at 888-222-2228 for more support or to ask any questions about pursuing therapy that you might have. We are available to talk 24/7 and we also have a texting service from 4pm to 8pm everyday. While it's great that you can ask for your friends' help when you need it, we are also here in the early morning hours if you wake up with any bad feelings. Please don't hesitate to call!