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Over the past few months I've been feeling really sad and lonely. Even on my good days I think about what would happen if I wasn't alive, or if I were to kill myself. My brain always tells me that no one really cares about me and that I'll be alone forever. I honestly don't think my friends want to be my friends because they ignore me and say mean things and even today one of them ditched me to hangout with someone else. I hate every thing about myself and I have really low self-esteem. I feel like I have no one to talk to, or at least anyone who really cares. I have, however, talked to my school counselor but I didn't tell her everything about how I feel because I'm not much of a talker in person. I'm contemplating suicide but there are only a few things stopping me, some of being my family, my best friend, and my favorite tv show is still airing (I know the last one is stupid but it's true). I know I have more to live for but it sure doesn't feel that way. Sometimes I tell myself that the world is such a big place with so many people that one little person gone wouldn't make a difference, that life will still go on without me. And it's true. When I'm walking home from school, I'll cross the street and not look to see if a car is coming, and think maybe, just maybe one will hit me and the pain will stop. I think the hardest thing when it comes to suicide is the pain and guilt. For me, and others. I don't want to have a painful death, but then I realize that the pain will be over right after. But then the guilt factor comes in and it may seem to others that I am selfish. Maybe I am, for putting others in pain just to stop mine. Who cares though? Why does it matter? If I kill myself, I'll be dead. I won't have to live with any of the consequences. I want to die, but I haven't even started living yet.
I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon, so don't worry. I don't and won't self harm (even though I think about it). I will most likely not call any suicide hotline or talk to someone about this. I'm sharing my thoughts for anyone who's in the same position. I feel like my only purpose in this world is to help people, to put others needs before myself. It's the reason I'm still here typing this.
I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon, so don't worry. I don't and won't self harm (even though I think about it). I will most likely not call any suicide hotline or talk to someone about this. I'm sharing my thoughts for anyone who's in the same position. I feel like my only purpose in this world is to help people, to put others needs before myself. It's the reason I'm still here typing this.
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