Afraid I Might Relapse or Worse

[Unregistered]

I'm sitting in my room with a feeling of hopelessness because I've been struggling with self harm for almost five years now and nothing has helped. I've been to almost every therapist in the area. I've tried every coping skill. Outpatient just made it worse.
I've been clean now for 229 days but every day i have this weight bearing on me to relapse. The only reason I'm clean is because instead of cutting, I curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to live like this. Sometimes I don't even want to live at all.
My bully, who I thought was expelled, came back to school recently and that took the one good thing I had out of my life. I used to like school when he wasn't around, now I'm living in fear of him. Soon won't even have school because I'll be graduating.
I'm anxious all the time and tired and depressed. I just want to cut or die or both..
I'm trying to look forward to the future but it just makes me anxious and stressed. I feel like I wasn't made to make it to 18. I'm scared I might kill myself impulsively one day. Any Ideas on how to make things better?
(My mom knows I'm depressed but not exactly how bad)

[2NDFLOOR]

It sounds like you could really use some support. You have to give yourself a lot of credit! You have not cut in 229 days that is amazing with all that you have been going through. There are a lot resources available to help you. First you should talk with your mother and be honest about your feelings. Have you seen a psychiatrist and gotten a formal evaluation? This maybe helpful as well. Just like the 2NDFLOOR, there are other help and support lines that I think will be very helpful and I encourage you to reach out to them. The Suicuide prevention hotline (800) 275-8255. NJ hopline (855) 654-6735 and Healthy Place. Healthy Place is specifically for self harm, www.healthyplace.com. We are also available to talk to you. Our support counselors are available 24/hours a day 7 days a week and can be reached at (888) 222-2228. We are here to help!