Suicidal

[Unregistered]

School starts tomorrow I was actually quite excited but something snapped on me. I've been having feelings of depression for a while. I've even spoken to counselors. Mental illness actually does run in my family but my mom thinks nothing is wrong with me. She says kids these days hurt themselves to get attention and I have a few friends who also self harm. One who actually admitted it to me when I turned to her for help. And one who I became closer with after a mutual friend thought we could help each other. She says I'm probably the ring leader. It really hurts. I want help badly. I had a therapy appointment today but my mom forgot about it. I didn't remind her because asking for things makes me anxious. I try so hard with her. I asked to spend time with her a while back. She seemed excited. But after she got back from her trip she never brought it up again. So just a few minutes ago I asked her again and she yelled at me. I don't think she actually cares about me. I'm a bad daughter. A bad sister. And a bad girlfriend. I feel like a horrible person all the time. I made a plan just now on how I want to do it. There's this bridge thing over train tracks. I want to jump off. It all feels pointless. I feel so empty. I no longer want to exist in the physical world. I'm afraid to jump and not die and only get severely injured. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. I'm just so lost. Junior year starts tommorow. I haven't finished my summer project. I hate life so much.

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out to 2NDFLOOR. I first off need to tell you that if you are thinking of harming yourself you need to contact 911 right away or contact the suicide prevention lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255. All of these thoughts that you are having are not true, but depression makes us think pretty horrible things about ourselves. When you have thought of a plan to harm yourself and when you continue to self-harm it's imperative that you reach out for help. If your mom is not open to you getting help then she might not be the right person to reach out to. Go to your school counselor or call the helpline we provided above, they can get you the help that you need. I know that many times we want to help our friends that are going through difficult times, but it's impossible to help people if we do not first help ourselves. You are a strong person and it's clear that you are going through a lot but you need to start fighting for yourself, fighting for the help that you deserve and that you need. You don't have to continue to feel pointless or empty, because even if you can't see it right now there are so many people in this world that care about you. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. With the right help and support you can start to look forward to your future, enjoy the things in the world that you used to. You have a boyfriend, you have a family, and sometimes people don't always know how to address mental health, sometimes people react like your mom react this way to avoid the conversation. That doesn't mean that she wouldn't want you to be around. Tell her how you are really feeling and if that doesn't work tell another adult you trust. As for the summer project in the grad scheme of things it's just one assignment. Go to your school counselor tomorrow, explain how you are feeling and start the process how helping yourself. Remember these thoughts are from the depression, they aren't true, and there is treatment that can help you to not feel this way. If you need help finding ways to talk to people about how you are feeling we can help you. Please do not hesitate to call 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline we are here 24/7 at 888-222-2228 or text us daily 4-8PM at 908-280-0235.