Feeling helpless, not sure what to do

[Unregistered]

Hello everyone. I'd like to keep my name anonymous, but I'm a 17 year old girl and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder for years now. I'm not on any medication, nor do I go to therapy anymore. I was in and out of mental hospitals a lot but haven't gone in a very long time because I feel that that does not help me. I used to self harm and attempt suicide frequently. It's been 3 months since I cut myself but lately I've been really depressed and the urge is coming back. I just graduated high school almost 2 weeks ago and it's been throwing me off I guess. I have a great group of friends, we've all been friends since 7th grade, but I always feel like they don't care about me, and that they're only friends with me so I don't get depressed and try to hurt/kill myself again. I feel horrible because they always have to deal with me not trusting them fully, and being in a sad/angry mood 24/7. My family has to go through this as well. I know I'm jumping around from topic to topic, forgive me, my mind is just very jumbled right now and I'm so overwhelmed. I just really feel like I don't want to live anymore, and that I have no one to talk to. I have this deep hatred towards myself and I'm really not even sure why. I think it may be from things that happened to me in the past. When I was 6, my father passed away. When I was 12, I was raped by an older guy and the girl who I was best friends with was the one who set it up/helped. I've moved more times than I can count on my fingers. I feel like theres always something wrong happening to me and it's bringing on these feelings of helplessness and despair. I don't want to self harm so I'm reaching out through this post. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for but if theres anything that anyone can do to help me, please do so. And thank you so much if you took the time out of your day to read this.

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out to 2NDFLOOR. I can imagine how difficult it was to write all this out and open up. It sounds like you have been going through a lot for a long time so the way you are feeling makes sense. I know you said you don't go to therapy any longer, and I know it's not for everyone, but I wonder if seeing someone on a weekly basis may be beneficial. Depression and anxiety can be very tiring on our bodies and minds and can result in thoughts like the ones you are having. Friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what and it sounds like you have some really great ones. I can understand not always wanting to go to them to discuss things and in those cases we are always here to help, because you shouldn't have to go through this alone. Reaching out for help and opening up about these past experiences and feelings shows how strong of a person you truly are. I don't think there is one thing to do to make this all clear up. However, you could look for support groups or counseling groups with people who are going through similar experiences. If you feel that you may harm yourself you can call 911 or the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can continue to use our message board to talk to others with similar experiences or write new posts whenever you need help. You can also call us, 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline, 24/7 at 888-222-2228 or text us daily from 4-8PM at 908-280-0235. We want to help you in anyway that we can.

[Unregistered]

Thank you for saying that it's valid for me to feel the way I do, because I'm constantly told that I'm overreacting. But my problem with going to therapy is finding a therapist that I can trust and actually open up to. I've been to countless therapists and only ever really connected with one. And plus anytime I talk to someone I feel like I'm bothering them or just complaining, and nobody takes me seriously.

[2NDFLOOR]

It can be difficult to open up and start trusting someone in therapy. Building a nonjudgmental, open, and honest relationship with a counselor is an important part of the experience. Sometimes it takes time to find one that works best for us other times telling the counselor what about this experience is not working can be the first step in making you feel more comfortable. Their job is to listen so don't feel like your bothering them either. As we mentioned before 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline is here 24/7 at 888-222-2228 so you can call us anytime to talk without feeling like you are bothering someone or text us daily from 4-8PM at 908-280-0235. We are here for you and want to listen.