2014: the worst year.

[Unregistered]

What a year it's been. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. This is the year my parents got divorced. My mom chose to get up and leave. But she didn't tell anyone she was gonna. She sat my brother and I down and told us she got an apartment and that the following week when my father came back from vacation she would be moving into her apartment. My dad had no idea she was going to go and for an entire week I was expected to keep that secret from him each time he and I spoke on the phone. So I did. I have always had a lot of negative feelings about my mom, but now more than ever. I was always angry with her for not being there for me. When I was suicidal she didn't care much until my school told her to take me to the hospital. To me, yes she's my mother but there's no way that she's my mom. Especially now because she doesn't even call me. She makes no effort to see me. I rely on my boyfriend's mom to be that mother figure. I miss my mom though, despite these negative feelings. Something makes me miss her even though I almost hate her for what she has done. My father, brother and I have almost lost the house we are living in. We don't get to eat dinner every night (Sometimes I go to my boyfriends house so my brother and dad have enough to eat). I feel alone. I cry so much. And I am just confused about my feelings. All because of my mother.
My parent's divorce was official in October. This year I also had a lot of injuries from dance. I even got four stitches under my eyebrow. I also got sun poisoning. Sprained my ankle the night before a competition. A lot of tiny things happened this year that make the main event just that much worse. The holidays are so depressing. And now my confusion on how to feel about my mom is getting worse. How should I feel? I don't know where to begin. I can't decide if I love her or if I want nothing to do with her. Help me?

[2NDFLOOR]

This sounds like a really tough year. It seems like you and your family endured a lot. First, it seems really unfair that your mom put you and your brother in that position with your dad. It sounds like it is perfectly reasonable that you have kept a distance with your mom. Have you ever considered finding some sort of way to communicate your feelings to your mom? Perhaps utilizing your school counselor or a professional therapist (if that is possible). Sometimes they can help mediate communication. Also, it seems like you are trying to cope with a lot. Is it possible to talk to your dad about some sort of assistance so you all don't have to worry about food and other necessities? Perhaps a local food pantry in your community could be an option, or financial assistance like food stamps. It may be helpful to talk to your dad about that. Lastly, there is no "right" way to feel. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you do feel. It may take some time to process how you are feeling about your mom and it is possible that your feelings may change. It may be helpful to find someone to talk to who you can trust, like a teacher or your guidance counselor at school. You can also call 2NDFLOOR anytime at 888-222-2228 for more help with this.

[Unregistered]

Do you know why your mother left? You are allowed to be mad at her for leaving without a reason. You should call her and tell how you feel. She is your mother after all and knowing you sometimes don't have dinner should ring a bell. -A