Question: Why is suicide so frowned upon?

[Unregistered_xxx]

"It's a permanent solution to temporary problem" ... "people would miss you ... you are worth it ..." blah blah blah.

I am truly struggling to find a purpose to stay alive here. I, for the record, am diagnosed with depression, but I just really can't see the point in anything.

I know that plenty of people who are suicidal are usually dealing with some issues but they usually have people around them, even if it doesn't feel like it. I'm a girl and currently a sophomore in college and don't have any friends and never had. My issue has been an inability to connect with people - as in, I just find it difficult to speak up. My life has been just going to school and take notes/do class work, or tests or w/e and come back home.

I've had issues in high school in which I'd been sent down to guidance because I'd just sit and refuse to do groupwork because (1) I am that weird kid that no one wants any part of and (2) it just felt shameful to have to meekly ask some kids if I could work with them - I'm also that kid that just doesn't do anything for the most part and have no inputs in discussions whatsoever, thus proving myself to be worthless and just a waste of space.

In high school, I sat by myself at lunch; I never ate lunch either (partly because I didn't find myself to be worthy to spend money on food, partly because I'd been saving up that money in hopes of running away somewhere to just bum around for a while and kill myself), I'd just take a nap at lunch usually sat at a table with whatever underclassmen around, and by the last semester senior year, I had my own table to myself and it was very clear how unsettling some classmates or former teachers felt looking at me whenever I was just by myself. Had anyone ever actually tried to reach out though? No. I'm sure everyone felt I was a lost cause though, just by taking a glance at me, and truthfully no one cared either.

My family sees me as nothing but a failure. My parents are immigrants, they are working crappy jobs and so, highly value education and had been hoping I'd be going the pre-med route in college. I had and still have no goals in life, in fact I was surprised I even made it to graduate high school (which I was proud of in a somewhat pathetic way, but my parents gave me shit for because I didn't get a gold sash and wasn't announced in the top 20) so I just thought I try it out because, why not, I have no plans for myself. Well, basically that route freshman year had ruined my gpa and I'm going a different path to business. However because of my shit storm of a gpa, even if I get all A's this semester, I absolutely stand no chance in transferring to the business school and thus would have to try Fall 2016 - which is just really ridiculous and I have to spend an extra year and I just don't have that kind of money, you know? That being said, I suppose this mood from this post is coming from my feelings of worthlessness about studying for finals now because, what is the point. Anyway, my parents are extremely disappointed in my about not doing the pre-med thing, and it's because everyone that we know (like 10 families of fellow immigrants) got accepted into med school, so they've been like, "why couldn't you do the same thing? where have we gone wrong with you?" blah blah blah - basically I'm a huge embarrassment to them, and I still haven't told them about the business school transfer issue, so idk things are only going to get worst.

I'm also just really reluctant to care about my parents at all to be honest. "If you kill yourself, you'd be killing your parents" yeah, but I feel like they've essentially killed me with the way they raised me so I just don't care at this point. I absolutely question everyday how they raised me, I feel like they set me up to be so un-social - there may have been a point when I was forming friends in like 7th grade, but they were so worried about my grades slipping that they had basically restricted any sort of leisure time I had (not that they ever allowed me to go outside to hang out, but I just mean talking on the phone or going online). I think the restrictions made me feel it was pointless to have any sort of friendships with anyone, since they'd always be "closer" together by hanging out outside of school, and I just stood no chance --- thus I dropped the whole need for socializing and I guess became who I am today.

My parents have also made me so dependent on them it is so embarrassing and frustrating; I am so inexperienced in life, but that's another story.

Oh, and another embarrassing thing is that I got my first cellphone freshman year of college and I've still yet to have anyone's number nor have I ever texted anyone or just socialized in general. I don't know why, but I just can't bring myself to talk to people and it seems even more terrifying that if I do make a friend, once they find out I have no others they'd start getting weirded out and abandon me all together - because, it's like, there has to be a reason people don't like me, ya know?

Anyway, the point is, I am literally alone here. My parents only care for themselves and how they are reputed by others, based upon me. I have no friends or anyone to confide in. I do go to a psychiatrist, so no need to reply to this by recommending I go see one lol. I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm expecting from this, but I guess this is just to vent (even made me choke up a bit just writing all this and coming to terms with my pathetic excuse of a life haha). But yeah ... I do strongly feel, that IN MY SITUATION, suicide shouldn't be frowned upon. I think people should live for themselves and not for others. I am thoroughly screwed and have no chance of getting better and I just don't have anything to offer the world either. All I am doing is taking up space. I should just go on my own terms. Opinions?

[2NDFLOOR]

You are very brave to provide such detail about your life, and be so honest on such an open forum. From your post, it is clear that you have given suicide and your life choices a lot of in-depth thought, and we can only imagine the time it took you to share this. It is concerning to hear that you feel like you are worthless. From what you have shared, it sounds like you have been put in a lot of situations where you haven't really been able to think for yourself (ie. your parents choosing your career choice and dictating your study habits, as well as being in a school environment that didn't feel welcoming). Growing up in situations like that, can definitely shape anyone's life to make them feel like their opinions and actions don't matter. But the truth is everyone's actions and opinions have a place in this world. Sometimes it is just really hard to see your place, when others have been dictating it for you.

From the wording of your post, it is clear that you are very intellectual. You have taken a deep look at your life and actions from not just an emotional level, but social as well. You have been able to break down different moments of your life, and analyze them. Not everyone in your situation is able to look at their lives in such broken down format. Being able to do this, shows that you are smart. If you are put in the right situation you can have the opportunity to strive.

So our suggestion is to take control of your situation, and remember as you said that it's YOUR SITUATION. So while you may have commonalities to other people, you are an individual and your life is YOURS. So focus on yourself. From what you have shared, it seems that you have been very in tune to what your parents, classmates, and other people want for you, but you haven't taken the time to figure out what you want. This is sometimes the hardest thing to do. But we recommend to take some time and really think about if you could have anything you want or do anything you want, what would YOU want to do. Forget about whether people think it is right or if people will approve, but just focus on if you are interested in it. Some ways people take time to focus on themselves is through relaxation techniques such as yoga or meditation. These types of activities will allow you to really focus on you and gather your thoughts on what you want. Then the next suggestion is to explore those interests. You can do so by starting to research things online. This may eventually lead to getting involved in the activities via clubs, online classes, forums, or school events. The key is to remember that you are doing the activity because YOU want to do it. So if no one else wants to join you or interact with you, it won't matter because YOU are enjoying the activity.

You also mentioned that you feel restrained by lack of money. You stated that you were interested in the Business school at your college, but you can't afford an extra year. Don't let the lack of funds prevent you from pursuing something you want to pursue. There are a lot of grants, financial aid, and scholarships available to help you. Feel free to check some of them out at www.fafsa.gov or https://studentaid.ed.gov/. Depending on your specific cultural background, there may also be scholarships available for you as well. You can also contact your Financial Aid Office for more specific information.

We hope that we have provided some things for you to think about. If you want to talk more please feel free to call 2NDFLOOR anytime at 1-888-222-2228!