Toxic relationships

[Guest]

So, I've been friends with this girl (we'll call her J) since I've been in Kindergarten and we used to be really close. We lost touch for a few years but later connected again. We also share another mutual friend (we'll call them E). For a year or two, the three of us were all really tight and almost inseparable, but things took a turn for the worse last year. My relationship with J started to get rocky when she started spending a lot of time with E, without me. Since E is my best friend, and I'm very insecure, I got jealous and often, I would provoke arguments with J over small things that would never bother me normally. This part is completely my fault, as I let my jealousy get the best of me, and I hurt J, but after talking it out with both E and J, I was able to fix that, and things did NOT get any better. J and I started getting in even more fights, and even after we made up, there was always tension that would last until our next fight. I've dealt with mental health issues for five years, and during one argument, it got to the point, I was about to commit suicide, and E had to spend two hours just calming me down and talking me out of killing myself. When J found out what happened, she showed no remorse and actually immediately started yelling at me for unfollowing her on her social media. J has always had a problem with listening to me, or acknowledging my feelings, but that one really cut deep. Eventually, things got to the point where E decided that they wanted to cut J off, because J was toxic to their health as well. I want to as well, but every time I get up the courage to tell J we need to stop talking, she finds a way to guilt trip me back into our friendship. I also made a promise to J a while ago that we would always be friends, so I am betraying her in a way. In addition, J has her own problems and cutting her off could make things much worse on her mentally, and I don't want to hurt her. J has been my friend since kindergarten (I'm now a senior in high school), and I feel bad for dropping her, but I'm not sure how much of this i can take... no matter which direction I go in. If I don't cut her off, J, no matter how much people try to talk sense into her, never even attempts to change, so I know this cycle will repeat and I might actually not be able to get talked out of killing myself this time, but if I do cut J off, I'm never going to forgive myself for hurting her more. J has always had problems with friends, such as them turning on her and starting to bully her, and it just seems wrong that as one of her longest friends, that I just drop her, but at this point in time, it feels whenever we talk, all we do is fight. E has been telling me to drop J, but I'm scared to. I don't know what it will do to her.

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for sharing. I immediately have to address that you mention killing yourself. This is a very serious matter and I hope that you reach out to a trusted adult about this. Please talk to your family, school counselor, or call us here at the 2NDFLOOR to discuss this further. If this situation that is going on between your friends is making you feel to that point then you need to worry about your own mental health and safety first and the friendship second. Friendships fade, people change and that is normal even though it is hard to deal with. However, your life is not worth that. Please call/text us here at the 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline for further assistance. We are here 24/7 at 888-222-2228.