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So... This is a long story. You see, I have this friend (well, ex-friend now) that I really trust. He was so sweet and funny and outgoing, and just my best friend. I started to develope feelings for him, but he confessed to liking me a long time before we became so close. We were practically inseparable- sat with each other at lunch everyday, talked and texted 24/7 (we once texted until like 3am...), walked to every class together (even if we didn't share the same class that period), everything. Recently, I trusted him enough to tell him about a problem I am having. I use to struggle with self-harm, and some sort of eating disorder (I'm not sure if it was anorexia or something, but I would just binge and then try to fast for a while, and then binge again). He also used to struggle with self harm. The problem was this: I had been eating very little that week, and the previous week before that. My scale also said I lost like 10 pounds! (Which is weird, because this has never happened to me before!) My family, who is unaware of this, kept saying encouraging things like, "you look nice!" or "you're in shape!" They thought (and still think) it was due to healthy diet/exercise.
Anyways, he got upset with me. And when he asked me if I was anorexic, I didn't give an answer. Instead, I just looked down and hoped that the question was forgotten. I didn't answer this because I felt awkward, and personally, I didn't know what was going on with me. I told him because, well, I was tired of bottling it up. And I loved him and trusted him enough to tell him... Now, he hates me. We got into this huge, blown out fight. So basically, looking back, this entire friendship...or relationship..or whatever it was, I don't know, was fake. All of it. The lies he told me to feel interested in him, wasting long nights just staying in each other's company, everything. He never felt that way about me. Which hurts, considering he saved me from..well, a lot of stuff. You see, I had a suicide date. When he found out, he told a bunch of adults at the school, who contacted my parents and worked it out. I was in treatment for a while, and now I'm on my own. But this is just becoming too much. I miss him. I try talking to him, and he tells me there is nothing to talk about. I try working it out, and he calls me a f**king b*tch or a wackjob. I just... I still love him. And he hates me. Like, literal hate.
Now I'm so depressed. And I can't bare going to school anymore- my grades are dropping, I keep losing all focus, and I just simply don't care about anything but this anymore. I come home, and my grandmother yells at me because I don't do my chores or "keep up with my studies." But the truth is, I just don't care about any of it. I can't trust any of my family- my mom ignores the subject completely, my grandma gets angry and yells, my dad is mentally unstable and out of custody, and my brothers have their own issues. If I tell a teacher how I feel, they turn to my parents (who still don't do anything). I just feel like going to sleep. I wanna go to sleep and not wake up for a long, long time.
To add, I found out that the scale was BROKEN. I didn't lose all that weight! When I explained this to him, he didn't reply. He just starred at me as if he had better places to be (not to mention that all his friends were there). This is how it went today:
Me: Look, I know you don't wanna talk...but it's important. Please.
Him: *blanky stares*
Me: In private, please...?"
Him: Look, I don't want to hear it, ok? Just give up already.
Me: I don't know what to tell you, (his name). I found out that the scale was broken. My grandma and I put random objects on the scale and it came up with obviously inaccurate reports. So in summarization, this is all a misunderstanding. And if hadn't realized that the scale was broken, then I wouldn't have talked to you about it. And we wouldn't be in this position. And I'm sorry that we are, but-
And then the bell rang, and he walked away as if he didn't hear a word I just said. And I felt this emptiness inside of me..this feeling that makes me feel useless, and just worthless and unwanted. And I don't like this feeling. So please, help me, before I make a mistake. Another mistake. Please. I miss him, I love him, and he hates me. And I have no friends left whatsoever. I just don't want to live.. Or exist.. Or anything. I just want to sleep, forever.
Anyways, he got upset with me. And when he asked me if I was anorexic, I didn't give an answer. Instead, I just looked down and hoped that the question was forgotten. I didn't answer this because I felt awkward, and personally, I didn't know what was going on with me. I told him because, well, I was tired of bottling it up. And I loved him and trusted him enough to tell him... Now, he hates me. We got into this huge, blown out fight. So basically, looking back, this entire friendship...or relationship..or whatever it was, I don't know, was fake. All of it. The lies he told me to feel interested in him, wasting long nights just staying in each other's company, everything. He never felt that way about me. Which hurts, considering he saved me from..well, a lot of stuff. You see, I had a suicide date. When he found out, he told a bunch of adults at the school, who contacted my parents and worked it out. I was in treatment for a while, and now I'm on my own. But this is just becoming too much. I miss him. I try talking to him, and he tells me there is nothing to talk about. I try working it out, and he calls me a f**king b*tch or a wackjob. I just... I still love him. And he hates me. Like, literal hate.
Now I'm so depressed. And I can't bare going to school anymore- my grades are dropping, I keep losing all focus, and I just simply don't care about anything but this anymore. I come home, and my grandmother yells at me because I don't do my chores or "keep up with my studies." But the truth is, I just don't care about any of it. I can't trust any of my family- my mom ignores the subject completely, my grandma gets angry and yells, my dad is mentally unstable and out of custody, and my brothers have their own issues. If I tell a teacher how I feel, they turn to my parents (who still don't do anything). I just feel like going to sleep. I wanna go to sleep and not wake up for a long, long time.
To add, I found out that the scale was BROKEN. I didn't lose all that weight! When I explained this to him, he didn't reply. He just starred at me as if he had better places to be (not to mention that all his friends were there). This is how it went today:
Me: Look, I know you don't wanna talk...but it's important. Please.
Him: *blanky stares*
Me: In private, please...?"
Him: Look, I don't want to hear it, ok? Just give up already.
Me: I don't know what to tell you, (his name). I found out that the scale was broken. My grandma and I put random objects on the scale and it came up with obviously inaccurate reports. So in summarization, this is all a misunderstanding. And if hadn't realized that the scale was broken, then I wouldn't have talked to you about it. And we wouldn't be in this position. And I'm sorry that we are, but-
And then the bell rang, and he walked away as if he didn't hear a word I just said. And I felt this emptiness inside of me..this feeling that makes me feel useless, and just worthless and unwanted. And I don't like this feeling. So please, help me, before I make a mistake. Another mistake. Please. I miss him, I love him, and he hates me. And I have no friends left whatsoever. I just don't want to live.. Or exist.. Or anything. I just want to sleep, forever.
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