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My deceased friend
i miss my bestie. i wrote this to her after she passed on at the age of 16.
Dear my bestie, my dear friend M,
Oh man do I miss you, I wish you were still here to talk to me. I miss your little smiles and your vast knowledge, and your advice. You were a lantern to me in the snowy dark wilderness. And god, you were so beautiful. I could never describe you perfectly because of your breath taking appearance. I hope you are in a better place with a bunch of cats or something because you deserve it all. You might have made some mistakes but our friendship was certainly not one. I loved seeing you in lunch everyday and I loved our little chats that we had. I will definitely never forget you and how you saved me. All I hope for now is that you had a peaceful death. The thought of you in pain, knowing that you did die, it was all I thought about. Did she know? Was it painful? Did she think of me? These thoughts echo my head and fill my dreams. But I don’t really get any sleep anymore. Sometimes an intruder isn't the scariest thing out there, sometimes it’s your thoughts. Sometimes laying there alone with your thought is so bad that you are stricken with fear and you can’t move. Sometimes it’s the regrets, or the pain, or even the curiousity. But all these thoughts haven’t just scared me, some have killed me. I keep dying inside without you. I don’t know if you knew what it was like to lose a best friend, hopefully you don’t, but I never imagined it quite like this. I wasn’t ever gonna be prepared to hear about the death of someone who meant so much to me. I never thought that I would have to change my nouns from “has” to “had.” I miss you, and I think about you still, even though it’s been a couple of months. I wish you could come back, you were the only person who has ever understood me. Not even my close friends now come close to what you mean to me. I hate it. I hate life. Everything has gotten worse. I’ve gotten worse. I can’t even do a simple task anymore. I don’t do anything productive anymore. I hate myself for it. I want to be better, but I don’t see the point. I don’t see a point in living. Why would I want to live here, when I am so lost. I wish you could read this and reply. I wish I could hear your voice, smell your perfume and have you do my makeup. I wish that you could help me. Cause I need it.
I’m slipping. I can’t hold on. I want you. I need someone. I am alone. I want to join you. I want to sit with you and those cats up there. I want to see my deceased cat, Mischief. I miss her too. I stare at pictures of you and I wonder what it’s like, to be dead. Maybe there is a heaven, maybe not. I feel dead already. I hear voices. They tell me to do things. And I do them sometimes. I want to die more than anything. I don’t care about my family, because I know they do not care for me. All I write about is death. I sit in class with tears in my eyes, scars on my thighs.
Love,
A sad girl who misses you
Dear my bestie, my dear friend M,
Oh man do I miss you, I wish you were still here to talk to me. I miss your little smiles and your vast knowledge, and your advice. You were a lantern to me in the snowy dark wilderness. And god, you were so beautiful. I could never describe you perfectly because of your breath taking appearance. I hope you are in a better place with a bunch of cats or something because you deserve it all. You might have made some mistakes but our friendship was certainly not one. I loved seeing you in lunch everyday and I loved our little chats that we had. I will definitely never forget you and how you saved me. All I hope for now is that you had a peaceful death. The thought of you in pain, knowing that you did die, it was all I thought about. Did she know? Was it painful? Did she think of me? These thoughts echo my head and fill my dreams. But I don’t really get any sleep anymore. Sometimes an intruder isn't the scariest thing out there, sometimes it’s your thoughts. Sometimes laying there alone with your thought is so bad that you are stricken with fear and you can’t move. Sometimes it’s the regrets, or the pain, or even the curiousity. But all these thoughts haven’t just scared me, some have killed me. I keep dying inside without you. I don’t know if you knew what it was like to lose a best friend, hopefully you don’t, but I never imagined it quite like this. I wasn’t ever gonna be prepared to hear about the death of someone who meant so much to me. I never thought that I would have to change my nouns from “has” to “had.” I miss you, and I think about you still, even though it’s been a couple of months. I wish you could come back, you were the only person who has ever understood me. Not even my close friends now come close to what you mean to me. I hate it. I hate life. Everything has gotten worse. I’ve gotten worse. I can’t even do a simple task anymore. I don’t do anything productive anymore. I hate myself for it. I want to be better, but I don’t see the point. I don’t see a point in living. Why would I want to live here, when I am so lost. I wish you could read this and reply. I wish I could hear your voice, smell your perfume and have you do my makeup. I wish that you could help me. Cause I need it.
I’m slipping. I can’t hold on. I want you. I need someone. I am alone. I want to join you. I want to sit with you and those cats up there. I want to see my deceased cat, Mischief. I miss her too. I stare at pictures of you and I wonder what it’s like, to be dead. Maybe there is a heaven, maybe not. I feel dead already. I hear voices. They tell me to do things. And I do them sometimes. I want to die more than anything. I don’t care about my family, because I know they do not care for me. All I write about is death. I sit in class with tears in my eyes, scars on my thighs.
Love,
A sad girl who misses you
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