I don't know what to call this, but I'm desperate for answers

[Unregistered]

I've gone to counselling, I've taken therapy, I've done everything my parents and I can do. In school and online with my out-of-school. I never realized how I feel unwanted because of what I did to my friends. People don't notice me, but that's because I'm rude. And I never realized it until my friend says she wants to kill herself. Never have I noticed that I call some of my closest friends the meanest things. I'd keep doing this everyday, not knowing that I am hurting their feelings. I even called my own boyfriend a faggot. I don't know why, but today my closest friend told me that it was enough. Then she left, she left me alone at a table to think about my life for a minute. I wanted to call all my friends once we got home from school. Barely anybody answered, so I went online to talk to my out-of-state friends. Barely any of them answered. Until I called my boyfriend's best friend. He started talking to me saying that the only reason people hate me is because I call them things and think suicidal thoughts. Which then I realized was true. He is one of my friends that I know cares about me, but he treats me like shit, too. Which is nothing compared to what I do. I would make fun of him, call him names, and so much more. My parents don't realize what I go through, because I am in my room as soon as I get home from school. Even when I do tell them, they tell me they went through the same things. I doubt this, and want to show them anything I do, but it would only get in trouble. Just tonight I was in my room, as always, treating my friends rudely, and then they come in telling me to get off the laptop and clean my room. I was whining because I didn't want to stop talking to my friends, so I was yelled at. Having friendships that you don't realize your doing something bad to them, but they hate you for it is hard. Once I got off, I got back on and wanted to kill myself again. Because I can't talk to my out-of-state friends, my parents want me to hang out with kids in our neighborhood. I only know three people and they don't like me. I am desperate for answers on all these problems, even when my parents and I tried to do anything we could. I talked to friends, I talked to teachers, I talked to other adults, and I still go through this.

[2NDFLOOR]

I want to commend you for your amount of insight into this problem. It's not easy to look at your own actions and words and consider how they affect other people. It sounds like you've done some serious self-reflecting and that's very brave of you. From what you describe it seems that the hurtful language you use towards you friends and boyfriend ends up pushing them away from you, leaving you sad and lonely. Although you mention that you've been searching for answers from numerous people, it sounds like the change is going to have to start with you. Specifically the way you approach and interact with those you care about. Showing kindness, respect, and understanding to others will ultimately come back to you in the form of strong friendships. In order to mend your current friendships it will most likely be necessary to acknowledge and apologize for the harmful language you used. It may take time for your friends to warm up to you, as it takes time to build back trust. It sounds like you're currently experiencing some serious pain when you share that you have thoughts of ending your life. Have you discussed these thoughts/feelings with any adults you trust? Such as your therapist, parents, or guidance counselor? Speaking up about these specific thoughts/feelings can get you the help you need to feel better. It may be that returning to therapy or counseling can support you in coping with your difficult thoughts/feelings, as well as help you to build your communication skills and explore what emotions may be under your hurtful words. If you are feeling truly in danger of ending your life, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or 911 right away. We are also available 24/7 at 888-222-2228 via call or text if you need any further support! Thank you for reaching out to 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline!