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About 2 months ago my best friend died of a seizure while on a run. From what I've been told there was nothing anyone could have done to save her because of the severity of the seizure, but that just makes me feel worse. The paramedics tried to revive her for 45 minutes before they gave up hope of ever bringing back my little girl. She was an epileptic so I had to deal with her seizures on occasion and I became accepting to the fact that her seizures would be something I would have to deal with. Nobody ever expected that it would be a seizure that would end her life because she did she always seemed so normal and optimistic. Towards the end of her life her seizures became more frequent and severe. She was having trouble remembering things and in math she went from an A+ student to barely being able to scrape a C. The medication she was on also altered her personality which was hard to watch, especially when everyone knew it wasn't working. I only had to hold her during a seizure a few times and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. It was horrible to watch her be so helpless and know the second she regained consciousness we would have to explain that once again her least favorite thing in the world had happened again. I spent so much time worrying about her and I would go to bed crying for her and I would constantly fear she would get hurt or die. People assured me that there was a very low chance of her dying from a seizure but I still worried. It was my worse fear and now its my reality. I miss her so much, literally not a second goes by I don't think about her and wish it had been me instead. I find myself resenting her doctors for not trying hard enough to get her the right medication and being angry at the elderly for daring to outlive her when they had already had lives and hers had just begun. All I can think of is the fact I will never see her beautiful green eyes and red hair again. The last thing we ever talked about was right after she got back from camp she told me she felt so incredibly thankful she only had a minor form of epilepsy compared to kids at the camp who were confined to wheelchairs or couldn't speak. I am angry at the world that such a selfless of a person could possibly die when there are so many others with so much less to offer the world. I forgot to tell her I loved her the last time we spoke and I cant stop regretting it. I have constant thoughts of death but I know I could never commit suicide because I never want to put any of my friends through the pain I'm going through now. I am having trouble sleeping at night because I'm afraid of my dreams. Its like every morning and I have to remind myself that my worse nightmare is my reality. All I do all day is fantasize about going back in time and saving her. I will cry for hours sometimes, other times Ill feel angry, and at times I just feel numb.
On top of all of this I have recently learned my other best friend has ben self harming for months leading up to loosing my friend. She was really close to my friend so I had been pushing for her to go to counseling but she kept getting mad which I had expected. Later I learned from my deceased friend's older sister (who also self harms) that my other friend had been self harming. Not only was I shocked that my other friend had been self harming but that I had not caught on after knowing her for so long. The next day I received a text from my self harming friend that her parents had been snooping around in her room and had found her journal. I don't know what was in the journal but it must have been pretty bad because her parents put her under 24 hour watch and she wasn't allowed to be alone. She blamed me for making her parents look through her room because I had been worried about her and told my mom who then told her mom. I didn't actually tell anyone that she had been self harming because I never got a chance. My friend sent me some mean texts inferring that "I had ruined her f***ing life" and that I was the "biggest f***ing b**** ever" which hurt me more than usual because we were so close and she was all I had left. My friend had been snapping at me all week but it had never been this severe, especially when I didn't actually do anything. I never said anything mean back at her and I tried to remain as calm as I could. I called up my counselor and she walked me through responding to her. It has been a while and now things are pretty much back to normal between us and she acts like it never happened. She has been seeing a psychologist. I am scared she will start yelling at me again. In the past she used to hit me and my friend who passed away and we were going to confront her about it but she stopped. I don't want her to start hitting me again.
What should I do? I don't have any outlets for my energy and rather than getting the creative angst to draw and write like I used to, I just can't anymore. I've lost interest in almost everything I used to love. I am in a new school and I don't know anyone and making friends has been hard. I hate having to explain to everyone why I'm so sad all the time and why my summer was terrible. I feel like if I tell some people that my friend passed away it will make things weird and the few acquaintances I've made will be lost. I feel really alone right now and if anyone could give me advice on any of these problems I would be very grateful.
Thanks,
Me
On top of all of this I have recently learned my other best friend has ben self harming for months leading up to loosing my friend. She was really close to my friend so I had been pushing for her to go to counseling but she kept getting mad which I had expected. Later I learned from my deceased friend's older sister (who also self harms) that my other friend had been self harming. Not only was I shocked that my other friend had been self harming but that I had not caught on after knowing her for so long. The next day I received a text from my self harming friend that her parents had been snooping around in her room and had found her journal. I don't know what was in the journal but it must have been pretty bad because her parents put her under 24 hour watch and she wasn't allowed to be alone. She blamed me for making her parents look through her room because I had been worried about her and told my mom who then told her mom. I didn't actually tell anyone that she had been self harming because I never got a chance. My friend sent me some mean texts inferring that "I had ruined her f***ing life" and that I was the "biggest f***ing b**** ever" which hurt me more than usual because we were so close and she was all I had left. My friend had been snapping at me all week but it had never been this severe, especially when I didn't actually do anything. I never said anything mean back at her and I tried to remain as calm as I could. I called up my counselor and she walked me through responding to her. It has been a while and now things are pretty much back to normal between us and she acts like it never happened. She has been seeing a psychologist. I am scared she will start yelling at me again. In the past she used to hit me and my friend who passed away and we were going to confront her about it but she stopped. I don't want her to start hitting me again.
What should I do? I don't have any outlets for my energy and rather than getting the creative angst to draw and write like I used to, I just can't anymore. I've lost interest in almost everything I used to love. I am in a new school and I don't know anyone and making friends has been hard. I hate having to explain to everyone why I'm so sad all the time and why my summer was terrible. I feel like if I tell some people that my friend passed away it will make things weird and the few acquaintances I've made will be lost. I feel really alone right now and if anyone could give me advice on any of these problems I would be very grateful.
Thanks,
Me
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