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I can't frogive myself
I'm not going into detail about what happened but it was last year at the end of the school year. I apologized in September when schooled started again and a apologized again in October and November through many letters. She ignored me and didn't talk to me and it drove me to insanity. Cutting, even deeper depression, extreme anxiety attacks. I was admitted into a mental hospital where I was sexually assaulted by the male staff member. When I got out after 5 days I went back to school my friends were happy to see me but the girl didn't ask me if I was ok or how was I doing. In February we finally talked and she said she doesn't hate me and I was having a panic attack when I was talking to her. I was so scared that I barely said was I really wanted to say. And she still she ignores me and there is tension between us. All I wanted was a second chance but she won't give me that chance. I messed up and I can't forgive myself for that.
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I am sorry for all you have gone through but I am happy that you reached out for help. It sounds like that you did everything you could do to mend this relationship with this person and she does not want to let it go. You really need to forgive yourself for what happened between the two of you. It sounds like you have other friends that care about you. Have you thought about why you want this friendship? Why you want her to give you a second chance? It does sound like you are truly sorry about what happened between you two. You have gone above and beyond to patch things up but maybe the friendship is unhealthy. It also sounds like your mental health is extremely fragile.
Are you still in counseling? If not I would suggest seeking counseling again.
You mentioned that you really didn't have a chance to say what you wanted to say to this girl when you spoke to her in February. Maybe write down everything you wanted to say to her. You don't have to give her the letter but it might help with some closure of the incident.
Please make sure you speak to someone further about this. It sounds like you need continued support. We are here at 2ndfloor 24/7 @888-222-2228 or you can text between 4-8 PM daily. Please reach out.
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