Bad Memories :(

[Unregistered]

There's been something bothering me recently, and I'm not exactly sure why. I have to start off by saying that overall, I consider myself a happy and positive person, and so do many of the people I love and hang out with. It was a complicated road, but I decided to get help for my depression/anxiety issues, and now I truly see life in a whole new way

But before this, I had a lot of issues with being self-negative. I have (very mild) Cerebral Palsy, and used to find it extremely hard to cope with, because I thought the world defined me a certain way. I'm also a performer, so it took me a while to let my self-confidence issues disappear while on stage. One day, I was in a particular amount of pain at rehearsal, and wasn't in the mood to be sociable, but it triggered something inside of one of my friends that led to our falling out. She took my frustrations with my body as an insult to her, because I was on a short fuse and said I didn't want help with choreography. Later, when I tried to apologize for snapping and fix it, she told me over text that she couldn't "deal with me" and that I was "becoming a burden" and that she "needed space". Needless to say, our friendship (which didn't last long) is over now. I felt terrible for awhile, and spent my junior year musical receiving dirty looks, and being called a "selfish bi*ch" by this girl, who did her best to tell everyone how I was a depressing person. Honestly, there were points when i just thought about how much easier it would be to go to heaven, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt my family and the people who cared about me. I don't know why now, (as I am a rising college freshman) but all the memories of this experience are returning and I can't shake them from my head. I don't know why I'm giving this the amount of thought, but I am now always terrified of ever "being a burden" again, because of all those hurtful things this girl said about me. I hate ever thinking that I was at that low a point, and that I felt so isolated and afraid of who I was. When someone calls you a burden, it's a horrible feeling, and I'm thankful that I never went completely "over the edge" I just can't stop thinking about her words to me. And even though she's completely out of my life, they've left kind of an invisible scar.....

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for your post. It sounds as if you have come a long way and you should be very proud of yourself. I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience in high school that has come back to "haunt you". I understand that at the time you got through the hardest part so I believe you can do it again for a second time. Sometimes things that happen to us in life are hard to move on from but it is up to ourselves to not let past bad memories become a part of the present and the future. To do this we focus on our strengths, positive thoughts, and the positive people and experiences in our lives now. You have to remember that there was a time that you were at your lowest point and you had the strength to get past that. You did it once, you can do it again. You are now in college and have started a new chapter to your life. This girl is no longer a part of your life and you don't have to see her in the hallways of your old high school anymore. Now you can focus on your new friends in college. If you feel like you need to talk to someone more about this situation you should go to your counseling center on your campus or give us a call here at the 2ndFloor Youth Helpline. Our number is 888-222-2228. Stay positive!