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I am hurting so badly right now I feel like I am breathing through a straw. I'm learning to honor my feelings, and channeling this and feeling it rather than coping unhealthily, so that's why I'm typing it out while I'm feeling it, to know that it's going to a safe place.
My dad is a professor at college. He has a female student emailing him telling him that she's pregnant and that she's expecting a baby in April, I think it came along with her asking for extension with assignments and from what appears to be, many students share with my father their personal news. I'm bothered by the fact that my dad didn't see the value in her sharing. He was like laughing about it, not in a rude way though, but he was like, " I have no idea whyd she feel the need to share that with me" -- Maybe because she sees you as mentor figure? It further reinforces how emotionally unavailable my dad is, not just to me and that he didn't see a value in what students share.
Here's the connection:
I had a male teacher in highschool who I regarded as my "fatherly figure". There was boundaries ofcourse, but I did sense a specific connection that I didn't see in any other professional supporter and I did perceive him doing a little extra for me as he knew about my "issues" very intimately and played role in my recovery. Back then, it just really seemed to me that he was invested in my growth and was interested in my recovery, and people aren't typically like that unless they truly care, and I saw that he did. He sat me down and asked me "what's going through your head?" and waited about 15 minutes until I opened up. he listened to all my traumas and he didn't display any "I have no idea why you're sharing this with me", he was the one that asked, not me -- and he knew I bottled up. I would give him "notes" expressing my feelings that I'm unable to take certain assignments and he'd keep them in his drawer. He knew very personal details like my diagnosis, what happened during my hospitalization, meds.... my dad didn't even know because I had issues with him.
Now I wonder if that teacher cared at all or if it was a stunt-- and I feel gullible and stupid and it's that realization that no one really cares honestly. Like did I make that up in my head? So was he just "acting" that way but deep down he's like, "I don't give two shits lol".
I know how to deal with reality, if people don't care unless they are your family, I WILL ACCEPT THAT, because anyways it validates all my experiences no matter how much others deny it, I'm like no homies I'm the one facing this so I know-- as much as it hurts like a motherfucker. But I can't deal with this dissonance and contradictions. I'm not a charity ward...
And I'm like no shit-- no wonder why I don't get along with my father -- because he is emotionally available. It doesn't speak for his love for me, it's just how he is. He can;t really connect emotionally, and my mother even jokes about it too. Vulnerability aint his thing... and I'm a very deep feeler and I wish I had a dad who was that way too. And he's the one that is "assigned" the role by nature to be the one who "welcomes my news in all cases". But his reactions/responses/communication/comprehension/boundaries just isn't "there", and doesn't make our relationship fullfilling regardless of the parental love that's there-- while I had this teacher who I'm not connected to by blood just take on that "role" and it makes me question the validity of it or is genuinity given that I'm not his child.
And I wish I had parents who had some kind of empathy....
My therapist is trying her best, and she's amazing .. but this is one area that she isn't able to tackle, and I don't want to have to switch therapists because of one aspect of my issues that goes unresolved and unhelped, because our relationship is healing in itself considering that she's familiar with all my values at this point. So that's why I am trying to venture out and seek alternative feedback or insight.
Thanks.
My dad is a professor at college. He has a female student emailing him telling him that she's pregnant and that she's expecting a baby in April, I think it came along with her asking for extension with assignments and from what appears to be, many students share with my father their personal news. I'm bothered by the fact that my dad didn't see the value in her sharing. He was like laughing about it, not in a rude way though, but he was like, " I have no idea whyd she feel the need to share that with me" -- Maybe because she sees you as mentor figure? It further reinforces how emotionally unavailable my dad is, not just to me and that he didn't see a value in what students share.
Here's the connection:
I had a male teacher in highschool who I regarded as my "fatherly figure". There was boundaries ofcourse, but I did sense a specific connection that I didn't see in any other professional supporter and I did perceive him doing a little extra for me as he knew about my "issues" very intimately and played role in my recovery. Back then, it just really seemed to me that he was invested in my growth and was interested in my recovery, and people aren't typically like that unless they truly care, and I saw that he did. He sat me down and asked me "what's going through your head?" and waited about 15 minutes until I opened up. he listened to all my traumas and he didn't display any "I have no idea why you're sharing this with me", he was the one that asked, not me -- and he knew I bottled up. I would give him "notes" expressing my feelings that I'm unable to take certain assignments and he'd keep them in his drawer. He knew very personal details like my diagnosis, what happened during my hospitalization, meds.... my dad didn't even know because I had issues with him.
Now I wonder if that teacher cared at all or if it was a stunt-- and I feel gullible and stupid and it's that realization that no one really cares honestly. Like did I make that up in my head? So was he just "acting" that way but deep down he's like, "I don't give two shits lol".
I know how to deal with reality, if people don't care unless they are your family, I WILL ACCEPT THAT, because anyways it validates all my experiences no matter how much others deny it, I'm like no homies I'm the one facing this so I know-- as much as it hurts like a motherfucker. But I can't deal with this dissonance and contradictions. I'm not a charity ward...
And I'm like no shit-- no wonder why I don't get along with my father -- because he is emotionally available. It doesn't speak for his love for me, it's just how he is. He can;t really connect emotionally, and my mother even jokes about it too. Vulnerability aint his thing... and I'm a very deep feeler and I wish I had a dad who was that way too. And he's the one that is "assigned" the role by nature to be the one who "welcomes my news in all cases". But his reactions/responses/communication/comprehension/boundaries just isn't "there", and doesn't make our relationship fullfilling regardless of the parental love that's there-- while I had this teacher who I'm not connected to by blood just take on that "role" and it makes me question the validity of it or is genuinity given that I'm not his child.
And I wish I had parents who had some kind of empathy....
My therapist is trying her best, and she's amazing .. but this is one area that she isn't able to tackle, and I don't want to have to switch therapists because of one aspect of my issues that goes unresolved and unhelped, because our relationship is healing in itself considering that she's familiar with all my values at this point. So that's why I am trying to venture out and seek alternative feedback or insight.
Thanks.
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