How to deal with my dad?

[U N Owen]

Hello! My family has been going through a problem for a very long time and we can't solve it... It's been like this since my parents were married.
I have a father who is extremely lazy and won't do anything. He forces my mom to do everything for him. From cooking every day to cleaning to even picking up the phone, he makes my mom do everything. All he does every day is go to work, go to the gym, watch tv, eat, and sleep. The problem is my mom's health can't take this. Not only is she working, she has to take care of my grandma, who is bedridden and ill. All of the nursing homes near us have a history of abusing their elderly and there is no elderly care center near us for them to go to, so my mom has to take care of her herself along with a hired caretaker. All the household chores, her job, and caring for my grandma are too much for her. In the past few years she's gotten extremely sick (~4-5 times) to the point doctors told her if she didn't rest, she could die. When I was 1 or 2, she almost committed suicide because she couldn't take this anymore. Up to when I was 4, she had really bad depression because of this. It's been a bit better since she used to have to take care of my dad's parents, her parents, and my sibling and me (when we were little), but it's still a lot of work.
My sibling and I try to help around as much as we can, but most of the time we're in school. I'm going to college soon and my sibling is in college already, so we can't do much. Every time any of us (or even all of us) tries to sit down to talk about this with my father, he throws a huge tantrum. He screams, cries, shouts, shrieks, and slams things (he's broken quite a few things in the past). Afterwards, he would refuse to talk to anyone until my mom apologizes to him. One time he went 7 months without talking to any of us. It's to the point where if I tell him something like "Dad can you do the dishes? I'm studying for my SATs right now so I can't," he'll start screaming at me and tell me things like "Stop accusing me!!" or "Why do you hate your own father so much??"
Divorce is out of the question, since my culture looks down on it. If my parents do separate, everyone in the family is going to oust my mom, even though this isn't her fault. Living separately isn't possible either, since my mom will still get in trouble for it...
I was hoping to get a marriage counselor for them, but if my dad finds out, he'll start throwing his tantrums again...
Thanks for taking your time to read all this! I know this is a lot of text... Sorry about that... I'm just really worried about my mom. I don't know what to do to help her when I'm in college and I don't want her to die from overworking...

[2NDFLOOR]

Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you are really concerned about your mom and this entire situation. You mentioned that you've talked to your dad, but have you talked to your mom about your concerns? It may be really helpful just to let her know how you feel. Perhaps if you're dad isn't interested in going to marriage therapy, you can suggest your mom go see a therapist on her own (or even with you). It may be really helpful for you and/or her to talk to a professional. It seems like you and your sibling try to help out as much as possible. Maybe just offering to be there for your mom if she wants to talk or needs support would help. You can even try doing something nice for her or with her. For example, taking her to a park on a nice afternoon or paying for her to get a manicure, etc. Sometimes just taking a little break even if it is for an hour or so can be helpful. Also, don't go through this alone! It may be helpful to reach out to your sibling or another family member for help, or call 2NDFLOOR anytime at 888-222-2228 to talk.

[Unregistered]

Thank you! I really appreciate your response.
Yes, I've talked to my mother about this almost every day. In fact, a couple times my mom and I approached my dad about this situation together. We're afraid to get marriage therapy because it might show up in some records somehow. For instance when paying for the marriage therapy, we'd have to use a credit card or take money from the bank. My dad constantly reads bank transactions and credit card transits everyday, so he'll find out about this immediately. My sibling and I try to take my mom out or give her time to rest as much as possible, but all this work is still too much for her to take. It's hard to talk to family members other than my grandma because pretty much everyone tells my mom sexist things like "You're the wife. You're supposed to do all this and more because it's the woman's job to pamper the man. In fact, you haven't been doing enough." (Unfortunately, it is part of my culture to treat women like this. My dad's father told my mom in her face that women are like clothes you throw away when you're done using them.) We've been talking to close family friends about this and they've been helping. Recently my mom's high school friend out right told my dad in public that what he's doing is unfair to my mom and embarrassed him in front of a whole restaurant of people, so these days I can tell that my dad feels somewhat bad sometimes. It seemed like it backfired at first because he's been throwing more tantrums lately, but at least I know he recognizes his wrongdoings. Hopefully things will get better...
And yes, I will call you guys when I get the chance to! Thank you again.