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I don't know how to handle it anymore

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  • I don't know how to handle it anymore

    To put it simple, my mother can't stand me. She feels the need to compete and make sure my sisters and I know that she's "above" us and she rules everything. Considering the fact my dad's in a different COUNTRY and my mom turned everyone against my step-dad, they can't be of much help. My mom is extremely hard to deal with. From six to now fourteen, she may (barely) clothe me properly and (barely) feeds me enough, but she acts as though she doesn't want to but she HAS to. She always says she has NO MONEY even though she works with the govt. in a very nice nursing job and has like three degrees. To backtrack in my life, I grew up even before my dad left majorly staying in other houses besides my own, like aunts and grandparents for months on end. When my dad left, my sisters and I spent our days either in daycare, my aunts house, or a family-friends house. That caused my mom and I not to bond very much. After she remarried and I finished elementary school, we decided to move to another city. Honestly, aside from my moms behavior, everything was great until she began to constantly argue with my stepdad about the littlest things. It went to a point that he stopped doing much of anything for our family, giving my mom more reason to blame him for being a bad father. Nowadays they barely talk and he still doesn't do much but I know he would if only she wouldn't find a reason to make him look bad all over again. Anyway, with me it seems my mother literally doesn't like anything about me except my smarts. She likes to cut my portions because "I'm getting fat" and always comments about my body negatively, saying " you're breasts are too big for your age"or " you're always trying to show off your butt". I cover up to the fullest just so she'll stop but its not good enough. She also loves talking about how I was the only chubby kid she had back when my sisters and I were younger. Thing is the only thing a bit larger than it should be is my stomach which I absolutely hate now. I hate my body nowadays because of her, as well as other things about myself. My mom absolutely loves to make small mistakes into scandals in my house. She belittles me and loves to let me know I'm a mistake in society. She's been doing this for about 4 years at least. She's done a lot of emotional harm towards me since I was young, but it got worse overtime. I've lost all confidence and self-love, and basically isolate myself from society because of the fact she complained about why I always want her to meet my friends and so forth. She's made my mental health extremely twisted, and other people outside my family have noticed my lost, depressed expressions and isolation, which brings me to my largest problem.
    My sister who turned 12 last Saturday began showing the same depressed signs as I did around her age. My mom hits my sister excessively, even more than she ever did me. Verbal forms of so called "discipline" worked better for me, and physical forms of "discipline" worked for my sister. Starting around August, she would tell me about how she hates herself and wishes she could be someone else. She also told me about how she wants to kill herself ( it grew more frequently during the weeks before her birthday). Because my mother wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell her and I can't visit or talk to relatives without my mom needing to know the details, I went to school and ended up telling my teacher and counselor. I tried to say as little as I could about my mothers disciplinary actions, and was relieved when they told me they would get a counselor to speak to my sister. She told me about it that same day after school, but didn't tell me what she said, just labeled it as "everything". I thought that as long as she didn't say anything that could pose harm to anyone, we would be fine.
    After that day I thought she would be okay, but then I found out (by snooping) that Children's Services had allegations against my mom for physical and emotion abuse towards my sister. This was not at all what I wanted. When my mother found out I (kind of) started it, she was so mad at me, but when she was telling my stepdad she forced tears and basically said I've changed and was trying to be cruel towards her( nowadays that's all she thinks of me, a fake, disrespectful, power-loving, greedy, ungrateful daughter). I just wanted my sister to have a place to vent to because my mother was never there for me and wasn't there for my sister either.
    Anyway, CPS came on Monday and talked to our family, when I was interviewed, expecting to talk to them alone, I was surrounded by my relatives and parents. My mom had this look on her face to keep my mouth shut, and sadly that's what I did. I lied on most of the questions, and was on the verge of tears, just to make my family sound ideal. Honestly I don't want my family to be separated, but I'm hurting too, and I wanted to tell them the truth but, of course, there was my mom. I've been thinking about that day since and still wonder if i should've told the truth. Maybe it wouldn't have been completely for my sister's sake, because I feel like I need to get out of this house too. I have literally been driven mad here, and I feel locked in this cage of a house like some bird. I don't want CPS to separate my family. My 12 year old sister would gladly leave, but I could never do this to my 10 year old sister. She doesn't deserve it, she was raised without our biological dad and didn't have one until she was 5. My sister is afraid of being left alone and isolated more than anything, and I don't want to put her in that situation. CPS workers told us that they would observe us for the next 40 days,and I've been wondering since then if there's a possibility I could tell them the truth. My mind is torn between doing something for MYself (which I've rarely ever done since I was young) or doing it for my sisters who I love more than the world (and honestly they want two different things). I'm just not sure what to do, I used to not care about my mothers behavior but I've began to find myself and see that because I'm different from her, we don't have peace. I feel so broken at this point.

  • #2
    I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through. It's completely understandable as to why you are overwhelmed and experiencing all of these different feelings. I'm glad you reached out and I am also glad to hear that CPS is involved at this point. From what you have shared, it sounds like it is time that they help you. I hear you when you explain how much you worry about your sister. However, it sounds like it is important for the both of you that you be 100% truthful with what has been going on the next time you have the opportunity to talk with the worker assigned to your case. You and your family do not deserve to be treated by your mom in this way. You are just a child and should no longer be harmed, physically or emotionally. It sounds like you have been through enough and this type of behavior from your mom should not continue. If you would like to talk about this further please reach out to us here at the 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline. You can call or text us 24/7 at 888-222-2228. It sounds like you have taken many strong steps already so keep going. Stay strong, stay brave.

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