Isolated

[FALlingDown]

I've never used one of these boards before. I'm hoping it makes me feel a little bit better. I just need someone to talk to. A few months ago I snuck out of my friends house with her, we went to a small bonfire. Didn't drink, didn't smoke anything, didn't hookup with any guys. We simply went to hangout with a few friends. We got home and everything was fine. A few weeks after we snuck out her mom took her phone. She found pictures of us at the bonfire. Her mom called my mom, and my mom flipped out. I got my phone taken away, I wasn't allowed to socialize with any of my friends. I was pretty much on house arrest. A few weeks went by and my mom knew that I understood that it was wrong for us to sneak out. So she reduced my punishment. I was allowed to have my phone again and to talk to my friends. Everything was going good until last Thursday. I previously got in trouble for being on my phone at school, and I honestly was following the rules now. I only took my phone out when we were allowed to by a teacher. I was in a class were we were allowed on our phones. I took a picture with my friend Danny. He told me to send it to him, but I accidentally hit Dadddy instead. My dad texted me back and told me he was angry I was on my phone. I tried to explain that we were allowed to be but he wouldn't listen. I got home that night and my dad took my phone and sent me to my room. Later on, I heard my dad telling my mom to read something. They were going through my messages. I understand that they're parents, but I felt like my messages were private. I had messages about the boy I was into, about my friends sex lives, drinking, drugs, and basically everything you wouldn't want your parents to read. My friend C (a guy) asked me to lie for him over the summer. He explained to me how he told his friends that we "smoked weed all the time" and would "always go to parties." Over the summer I got mad at him for this because I didn't want to be known as the girl who always gets messed up whenever she goes out. Weeks went by and it was July. A rave was coming up and I was super excited to go, it was the first one I was actually allowed to go to. I got tickets for my best friend and I, we had a solid group of people going. L, C, G, E, D and A were all going. L is the only one who is a girl, and we're very much alike. I went to C's lacrosse game with G and then we walked the boardwalk, they wanted to pick an outfit for me to wear to the rave.. I told them that if they bought it I would wear it for at least an hour. They ended up buying a pair of black shorts. We went back to the house and started getting ready for the rave. I bought a lace orange shirt to go with the shorts and a gold body chain. Of course I didn't want my parents to see my cut out shirt and chain, so I wore a tiedye muscle shirt. We walked to where the rave was. On the way there C and G made me get changed into the shorts. I was walking and D started laughing. I didn't know why so I asked L. She said the boys got "free slaps" printed on the back of the shorts. At that point I didn't care. C and G were drinking a bottle of alcohol that C brought. They handed me the bottle, and me, not wanting to be a baby took a little sip. It was horrible. So the next time they passed me the bottle I only let it touch my lips. We got to the rave and had an awesome time. My parents picked us up after and we went home. Months past and now we're at last Tuesday. C texte me and told me how he's been smoking so much weed he can remember everything. I ask him to tell me about the night of the rave. He was really dunk and high that night so I wanted to see what he thought happened. Only about 45% of what he said actually happened. On my phone were messages about the things I've done with guys, I'm not the type if girl to do things with very guy I meet. I've done everything besides have sex but only with one guy who I was very comfortable with. My parents read a message that said something alone the lines of "but I've only done it once & we didn't end up having sex soooo..." So you can imagine their response. I tried to tell my parents that the thing with C, most of it didn't happen but I don't think they're listening to me. My dad is so upset with me he won't even look at me. My mom called me a "trashy alcoholic druged up whore" and told me that I wasn't going to get into any good colleges if they look into my background. I have one disciplinary report, for being on my phone. That's it. I don't smoke weed all the time, yes I'll admit I have tried it but honestly it wasn't that great of a feeling. I occasionally drink at parties if I'm around people i know very well, but my parents are always the ones who bring me home so I never get out of hand. My parents don't know that I drink occasionally. The things my parents have said to me are really getting to me. My dad said I was a huge disappointment. My mom said she's embarrassed to be my mother. They told my family members that they aren't allowed to talk to me. I haven't spoken to my sister in three days. I can no longer eat dinner with my family. My mom called me downstairs to eat, and my dad said "go back to your room. We'll call you when you can clean up." They ate dinner together and I had to clean up their mess. They no longer ask me how my day was. They don't say goodnight to me. They don't say they love me. They've isolated me. They've cut me off socially. They took my car keys, my debit card, my money that I've earned, my makeup, my phone, my iPad, my life. I'm not allowed to do anything. I come home and go to my room. That's probably the worst thing for me. To leave me alone with my thoughts. I've recently started cuting my body again. My friends saw today and lectured me. I can't help it, it takes the emotional pain away and puts it into something more physical. I'd rather be beaten then be emotionally tortured. I'm at the point where I'm crying every day. If someone asks me what's wrong, I cry. Being left alone in my room is making me over think and it's killing me. I used to never cry in school. Now I'm crying in every class period. I don't know what to do. I feel so worthless and unimportant. I really need some help. My mom told me if I reached out to anyone my dad would be more angry. I had to talk to someone so I went to my guidance councler, she helped a little but I don't want to burden her every day with my life. I have no idea what to do, besides sit in my room with my thoughts and find new places to drag a razor across.

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out to 2ndfloor. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. It's a horrible feeling to feel like you are alone, and when it's coming from your parents I can only imagine how this is making you feel. Sometimes families can have a difficult time understanding when their child are exploring new things such as relationships, sex, etc. Sometimes it can be difficult to open up to parents about these new things. If you have one parent that you are ale to talk to better, I would try to sit down with them and explain the situation. If you don't feel like you are able to talk to either of them then use other outlets. You can talk to us, your friends, your guidance counselor, or maybe another adult that you trust. Y I can understand your urge for self-harm, but it is a dangerous way to cope with your emotions. It's important that you tell an adult you trust about this and continue to reach out to your guidance counselor for help. You are not burdening her with anything. She is there to listen and to help you. I understand that you are feeling isolated and alone and this is not a fair to treat you this way. BUT we want you to know you are not alone. You can continue to message us here or you can call 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline 24/7 or text us daily 4-8PM 888-222-2228. We will help you in any way that we can!

[FALingDown]

Re: Isolated

It's just really though because I used to talk to my mom about so much, and now she hardly even says hi to me. My teachers have noticed a change in my behavior and are constantly asking me what's wrong. My mom told me not to tell people because "what goes on in our house is our business." I don't know how to cope with what I'm feeling. I don't constantly want to go to the counselor, and I don't trust my friends enough to tell them about everything going on. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends... I just don't think I should be taking advice from someone my own age. I need someone who has been through something similar. Do you think what I did was that wrong? I understand lying is bad, and that my parents are upset with me but I think they're being too extreme. My dad absolutely hates his mother, and he's pushing me towards hating him. I have no one in my house I can confide in to talk to about these things. I can't even email my counselor because my parents have m phone and are checking my emails. I have absolutely no privacy anymore. My parents don't trust me at all nor respect me. My mom told me she wishes I was more like my cousin. I wan to tell my mom how all of this is making me feel, but I don't think it's the right time. I talked a little to my grandmom today when my dad wasn't home, she said my mom told her about what my mom called me. Apparently my mom is upset about the things she said. I think she should be upset. I knew I hurt them by being deceitful, and by having those things on my phone. But I guarantee they've hurt me way more emotionally by saying things to me and breaking me down. My parents don't understand that I'm growing up. I'm learning. They don't remember when they went through things like this. I'm 16 and still trying to figure out who I am.

[2NDFLOOR]

You are 16 and still trying to figure out who you are so you will make mistakes, you will fight with your parents, you will feel confused this is all normal. It's not whether it was right or wrong but many times parents take lying very seriously, because they aren't sure what to believe. I understand that your mom may not feel comfortable with you telling people what's going on but if you need to talk to a teacher then I believe you should. Of course you can always talk to us as well. I hope that at some point you can talk to your mom, because that would likely help your situation at home, the way they spoke to you and hopefully help you to not feel so isolated. If you want to talk more give 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline a call 24/7 or text us daily 4-8PM at 888-222-2228.