My Mom Still Stayed

[Unregistered]

Sometimes, I wish I were dead, just so I wouldn't have to see his face in the morning. To hear his voice. To smell that putrid odor of alcohol and tobacco dip. My father is the worst man to ever exist, and it's a shame that my biggest goal is to leave forever just because of him. I suppose it would be best if we started from the beginning. When my parents were married, my mother's side hated him to the point where they told my mother not to marry him. To this day, they still hate him, and I never knew why for a good portion of my life. My mom once told me a story of when I was a baby and my parents were fighting because my father was drunk. She ran out of the house with me and was picked up by her parents whilst walking away from the house. He followed her, and the cops were called to remove him. Yet for some reason, my mom still stayed. She also told me of all the times he would come home drunk when I was little, it was so bad that she had to lock my door in case something bad happened. One Christmas he peed all over my presents, thank goodness I was too young to remember. When it came time to start school, I noticed something that was different from everyone else's fathers and mine: they worked. My father, for as long as I can remember, has not worked. The most work he's done is make an imprint on the couch, and my mom has to work. Yet for some reason, my mom still stays. When I was six, my father cut our family off from anyone who disliked him, which included my mom's side of the family. He blamed them, he said they didn't want to see me, but I knew he was lying. Once my sister was born when I was eight, everything changed. Since nobody was working at the time, we were literally miles under the poverty line. He didn't care, he always said he could borrow money from his mom, the woman who bought our love. In a way he was similar, he forced our love onto him. So my mom found a job at a pizzeria, she worked over sixty hours a week, but she didn't mind. She got away from my father. I would have to take care of my sister, and eight year old changing diapers, feeding her bottles, and playing with her. And what did my father do? He slept because he said he was stressed. When he was awake, that meant I had to deal with him. He would call me a "piece of shit" and an "asshole" over the stupidest little things and I couldn't do anything. I was eight. He would call me fat and ugly, which is probably why I'm so insecure today. I hated it so much that I begged my mother to quit her job, and she did. Now the next thing to happen is something I am afraid to share. But when I was ten, he attempted to sexually abuse me whilst ordering McDonald's in our shitty minivan. He tried but I pushed him away, but he doesn't remember because he was drunk. I told my mother. Yet for some reason, she still stays. I remember some nights I would hear my parents yelling at one another, sometimes it got physical but my mom was tough. She swung faster than she could beat him with her words. When I was eleven, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, apparently it was due to stress. Of course my father blamed it on anyone else but him. He was terrible around that time in my life. He would scream at me when I got B's on my report cards. And when I did, he would show me off like a trophy. Basically, what he was doing was trying to make himself look like a great father rather than a pathetic loser. I still get good grades in fear of him screaming at me. When I was thirteen, I attempted suicide, and my father was the first to find out. He took me into the same minivan and sped the car to the point where we almost crashed in a tree. He scared me out of committing suicide. He didn't solve anything, and when I told my mom she just stayed silent once again. I don't know why she still stays. When I was fifteen, I tried again and he got mad at me. I had to go to the hospital that time, and he didn't care what happened to me. He said, "Maybe it's better if you're not here.. save us the time and effort." Now, I'm a sixteen year old girl who gets good grades, keeps herself busy, and is afraid to get in a relationship. I'm pansexual actually because even though I'm scared of love, in fear that I'll find someone like my father, I won't deny myself of it. I hope all of this made sense to you.. have a wonderful life!!

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out to 2ndFloor Youth Helpline, I know this must have been difficult typing this all out. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot for many years. We are glad that even through it all you remain optimistic about love. I thought I would provide you with some information that could be helpful for both you and your mother, if you decide to share this post with her. For your mom and you as well, we are affiliated with 180-Turning Lives Around. It is dedicated to both sexual and domestic violence. This could be a great resource for both of you, whether just to talk, or to find resources to leave. Their website 180nj.org has links to different programs that may interest you. These are also their helpline numbers if you choose to call and discuss your story more: Domestic Violence: (888) 843-9262 | Sexual Violence: (888) 264-7273 I hear you question a lot why you mom stays in a relationship that is bad for both her and your family, but it can be difficult to leave. Your story shows how strong you are as an individual, but you don't have to stay in that situation either. You don't need to feel that way in your own home. I hope that this post helps you in some way or helps you to take the next step in your journey. Please give 2ndFloor Youth Helpline a call anytime if you want to discuss this more 888-222-2228 we also do texting now every Friday from 4-8 pm @ 908-280-0235