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Hi, so last summer I met this boy and we talked for awhile and then decided to hang out. He was 3 years older then me, so It was a little sketchy at first because I didn't really no anything about him. When we hung out at a public place , where we always met from that day on, the first day right away he made out with me . It was my 2nd time kissing somebody so I guess I was pretty excited, being stupid because usually people don't make out with you in the first five minutes. Anyways, weeks went by and we were hanging out about 2x a week . Little did I know things were getting REALLY sexual and I just went along with it. I was always uncomfortable that my mom was around and felt SO guilty . I didn't really know about anything sexual which , now I know why, because at the time I wasn't at all ready. The boy was always pressuring me to do things , and he would always try and make me feel worthless when we hung out and make me jealous of other girls. One day I knew enough was enough and stopped hanging out with him. But now everytime I pass this place we went , I think of myself as a slut and I'm disgusting. I just don't understand what I was thinking to go along with all he wanted . How do I stop feeling guilty.?
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I'm really sorry to hear that you're having negative and hurtful thoughts about yourself. From what you're describing, it sounds like you were in an unhealthy relationship. It is never okay for a romantic partner to pressure you into sexual activities or say things that make you feel bad about yourself, as these are types of abuse. Having feelings for someone and being in a new relationship can be exciting and fun, especially when it's one of your first. It can be easy to get caught up in these emotions and not pay attention to any uncomfortable feelings that arise when your partner disrespects your boundaries. It also sounds as if this guy was taking advantage of your inexperience. It's understandable that you may regret spending time with this person, but feeling guilty and shaming yourself only continues the damage that he was doing to your self-esteem. What stands out the most from what you shared is that you had the wisdom to know that what you were experiencing in the relationship was wrong and to step away from it. That's something to feel proud of! You deserve the same type of kindness and understanding you might provide to a close friend experiencing a similar issue. It may be helpful to remind yourself of such when you begin to engage in any negative self-talk (feeling guilty, disgusting, thinking of yourself as a slut, etc.) Imagine what you might say to someone you care about experiencing the same feelings, and then say it to yourself. Another way to help yourself feel better is to empower yourself with education about healthy relationships, consent, and safe sex/sexuality. Here are a couple of awesome resources you can check out:
http://www.loveisrespect.org/
https://sexetc.org/
If you need any further support, we are available 24/7 via call or text at 888-222-2228. Please don't hesitate to reach out! Thank you for contacting 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline!
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