Can't get over him

[Unregistered]

I'll just start out by saying that I'm a girl, and I'm straight. So, last year, I became close with this guy (Harry). We were so close, and we quickly became best friends. I talked to him about everything. We spent hours talking to eachother about endless things, sometimes they were deep conversations, sometimes they were funny and pointless. I never felt alone or anxious about going to school because I knew Harry was always by my side, and I loved spending time with him. He was dating one of my best friends at the time, but I secretly had a crush on him, and other people were telling me that he liked me too. Then he and my friend broke up, and for a while, Harry and I were closer than ever. Not only were we still best friends, but I started to think that maybe we were a little more than just friends. Then after a few weeks, he slowly started hanging around me less and less often. He stopped waiting for me at my locker after every class, he stopped texting me, and stopped talking to me as often as he usually would. After a while, I approached him about it. I asked him what was wrong and why he wasn't speaking to me. He told me that the reason why was because I was being mean to him. I liked to joke around with him and some of the jokes might have been hurtful, I just didn't realize how sensitive he was or how it would affect him. He also mentioned that he was upset that he was always the one starting conversations with me and he was always the one putting all the effort into our friendship. I tried to apologize, but it was already too late. He completely stopped talking to me, and acted as if I were a complete stranger. This went on for THREE MONTHS. Three months of absolute misery. Did I ever mention that I am diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety? Well Harry not speaking to me made me feel so much worse. I came to school everyday for months hoping and praying that just maybe he would come up to me and accept my apology and we could resume our friendship. But that never happened. That spring was one of the hardest times of my life. Not just because of this situation, but my depression tends to get a lot worse when the seasons transition, and that happened to be at the same when he left me. So I was already going through a hard time with my depression, and ontop of that, my best friend (Harry) wouldn't speak to me, and I was also in a big argument with some of my other friends. I felt like no one wanted me and there was no point to my life. So I made a plan to kill myself. My sister found out, and she told the school counselor. So my plan was ruined. Anyways, after a few months, I had almost given up on Harry and I was kind of used to him acting like I was invisible. Then, out of nowhere, he came up to me and apologized. So we (tried to) resume our friendship. That was fun, for a few weeks. Then school ended and summer started, and I didn't see or hear from him all summer. When school started again in the fall, he greeted me with a big hug and we talked. Once. We had no classes together, and we barely saw eachother around school in the hallways or anything. Anyways, the whole point to this message is that I still miss him and I never talk to him and whenever I think of him I remember that unbearable loneliness that I felt last spring and it's miserable even thinking about it. Some nights I lay awake thinking about Harry with so much regret. The reason why he left me is because I took our friendship for granted. One thing that still drives me crazy, is that I didn't realize how much I needed Harry until I lost him. I'm the kind of girl that is used to being independent and not relying on other people, so I isolated myself from the people around me, and that's why I lost a lot of friends last spring. Whenever I think about Harry and how stupid I was, it brings me back to that time when all I wanted to do was die and I can't take it anymore, it makes me feel so alone and it still gets me even though this situation was almost a year ago. I'm sorry that this is a lot to read, but there was a lot to explain, and it would mean a lot if you replied with meaningful advice. Thank you

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out to 2ndFloor. It sounds like last year and into this year has been difficult for you. Unfortunately sometimes friendships end, what we need to realize is what we can learn from them. You don't want to be too hard on yourself for this friendship, but realize how you can use this in your future friendships. If you still miss Harry this much, than maybe you should reach out to him. He mentioned how he was always starting the conversation so why don't you try initiating one. This way he can see the effort that you are putting in. It may even be beneficial to explain to him how you are feeling and how you understand why you lost him but would like to give it another shot. Taking initiative could be exactly what he is looking for. If that doesn't work then start focusing on other friendships that you have. Don't allow yourself to isolate from them again. Remember that life happens and we can't always control what happens, but we can control our reactions towards these situations. You have the ability to move forward and to make other meaningful friendships. It may be difficult at first, but even if Harry doesn't decide to come back there will be another Harry and when that time comes you will know how to handle this friendship. If you want to talk more give 2ndFloor Youth Helpline a call anytime at 888-222-2228 or text us Fridays 4-8pm at 908-280-0235!