Aftermath of Rape

[Unregistered]

In May this year (3 months ago) I went to a festival by myself and ended up hanging out with two guys by myself at 5 AM that I had just met. Since I was the only one of us with a tent and one of the guys was passing out, I told them they could crash in my tent for a couple hours. As soon as the wasted guy (lets call him B) passsed out, the other guy (lets call him A) started coming on to me and we started making out to (which I consented to), but then he started going too far and I kept saying "no" and after this I can't really remember much (as I was also pretty wasted myself) but i do remember at one point B woke up and they were both trying to reach into my pants and A was holding me down and after that, nothing. I woke up in A's flat with no pants on, just my top and my underwear. I was TERRIFIED of both of them, especially A and tried to imagine none of it had happened and so I ended up staying with them for a few more hours. After some hours had passed I told them I had to go home (as the festival was already over) and A got so mad (and offended??) and ended up pushing me against the wall and made me stay. I stayed yet again another night and somehow I don't remember anything at all from that night, even though I ahd only had a beer or two. I'm not sure if they slipped something in my drinks or if maybe nothing happened, but the next day I got up and left while A was in the shower.

*A was 27, I was 16

I only ever told one person, a good friend of mine, close to me that this had happened, but definitely didnt tell my mom or my family anything about it because I was terrified. I didn't leave the house for 13 days because I was so shooken and also petrified of seeing him if i left the house.

A couple weeks later I realized I was really late for my period and I didnt even have a penny for a pregnancy test (mind you Im 17, was 16 then, and I dont get allowance and wasnt working at the time) About a week after I started freaking out beacsue I thought I was pregnant, I started bleeding. A lot. To this day I'm still not sure if I miscarried and really had been pregnant or if I just got a really bad, really strong period, but I'm not sure if I even want to know.

Anyway 3 months have passed, but theres not an hour that goes by where I don't have flashbacks of struggling under A's weight, trying to keep him from getting into my pants. not an hour goes by where I forget about feeling of not being able to control my body.

Now, I'm for 4 and a bit months clean of self harm and 9 months clean of suicide attempts so I never did self harm after this all happened, but now, 3 motnhs later, I feel like I wont be able to keep this up any longer. i can feel myself collapsing under the weight of the flashbacks and I don't know how to handle this.

[2NDFLOOR]

I am so sorry that you had to experience something so terrifying and unimaginable. I first need to mention that if you are having thoughts of sucide contact 911 immediately or call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. It's important that you talk to someone about this. This is not something that you should keep to yourself or feel scared to tell someone. You did not do anything wrong!! You may want to talk to your parents about going to the doctor just to have an examine to make sure everything is ok. You can also contact 180-Turning Alive's Sexual Assault Hotline (888) 264-Rape (7273) or (732) 264-RAPE which is 24/7 and confidential. During a crisis or when you are feeling that you may hurt yourself they can provide you immediate counseling, and critical information also a referral agent to additional resources and counseling programs. It's important that you reach out for help so you can start feeling like yourself again. Once again. This is not your fault and there are people that want to help you! If you want to talk more call 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline 24/7 or text us daily 4-8PM at 888-222-2228.