letting them down and dropping out

[Unregistered]

Okay, I'm going to be terrible at explaining this. Last year my mother enrolled me in a private school, but it was really expensive so I had to try for the half scholarship. I was able to get it but in order to keep it I had to keep a B average. After about four months it was obvious I needed help and I went to Academic support to help with my grades. It helped and I was able to get through just making the B average. Sometime in the beginning of summer I ended up having a meltdown over anxiety of school starting up again, even though it was still almost a month and a half away. I don't even know what happened. But I started to worry about school a lot more. Then my mom bought the book I needed for my summer homework. The moment I saw that book my mind began to race and I was worried. I spent the entire summer putting it off because I was afraid of starting it. I'd promise myself I'd start the next day, but then get scared because I had more to do in less time and I would put I off more. The fear of simply starting the book was starting to eat at me and several times I wondered if killing myself would be easier. Something inside my brain started tempting me towards it, and this voice starting picking at me, saying how I couldn't do it. I never finished it and when school started I had to get an extension to finish the book. I started the school year behind, and since I had so much to do with that and this school starts homework the day you come back more homework built up. My academic support teacher was trying to help me, and other teachers were also giving me extensions for more homework. But the more I tried to finish something, the more I fell behind on something else. It didn't take long before it started to interrupt my class work. Instead of paying attention in class I would be worrying about the homework I had to make up, or sometimes I would stay up super late to try and finish as much as possible and fall asleep in class the next day. I couldn't pay attention in class anymore pushing me further behind. All my teachers, as well as my mother are trying to push me forward, and everyday I hear "I know you can do it, you just have to try. I know you understand what's going on" but I honestly don't. I don't understand what's going on in class because I can only pick up bits and pieces between my thoughts. They keep pushing me to do better and now I'm afraid because I'm letting them down, because I don't know what to do. I can't pick up what's going on in class, and I can't catch up with my work. I feel like helping me is just a waste of their time. Because the time they use to help me could be used doing anything else, and so far, it feels like them helping, isn't going to be enough. I can't concentrate and my fears are eating at me. Death has crossed my mind a lot as an escape, so I wouldn't have to face school the next day. My grades are really low and the marking period ends in about a week and a half. The half scholarship is basically down the drain at this point and mom can't afford to pay for the school if I don't have a B by the end of the marking period. I know mom doesn't want me to leave this school, and she's going to be disappointed and upset if I have to, but honestly I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate anymore and the fear is starting to eat me alive. It seems I can't do anything right now. I know I'm letting my teachers and my mom down, because they keep having this hope in me and I can't deliver these promises. I'm beginning to feel afraid to go to school, and every time anything having to do with school comes up I just want to curl into a ball and die. Sometimes I even pick up a pair of scissors and lay them on my skin before getting angry and dropping them. Please help me. I also apologize if it was hard to understand what I wrote. I was trying to put everything down, and it came out a little jumbled.

[2NDFLOOR]

It seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, which is allowing you to second guess your abilities, and stop you from taking the first step to moving forward. You mentioned laying scissors on your skin. If you are in danger to yourself please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255. Self-harm is not the answer to stress and anxiety. There are many other coping skills that you can learn that can help you to deal with how you are feeling. Sometimes when we feel like we have a lot of work to do, making a list can be helpful in accomplishing these things. Start with one thing at a time not matter how small it is. Once you have accomplished that, cross it off the list. You would be surprised how accomplished it can make you feel and motivate you to accomplish more. Talk to your mom about how your feeling, maybe it's not just the school work that is affecting you. You might want to consider talking to a professional counselor to help you handle your anxiety. I can understand not wanting to disappoint people, but it sounds like they are more concerned with you than anything. Reach out to your school and your mom for help. You don't need to apologize we want to help you, but the first step is asking for help. Please do not hesitate to contact 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline we are here 24.7 and you can text us daily 4-8PM 888-222-2228