I'm Depressed

[Unregistered]

I've been depressed for awhile, it started in 4th grade when I got bullied. I guess I was fine in 5th grade but to be honest I have a really hard time remembering a lot of things. Then it started to come back in 6th grade and has been all throughout this year in 7th. Now we're at the end and I feel like I'm still back where I started. I've wanted to call but I've been too scared, I can't talk on the phone, I get really nervous, I can't tell when I'm supposed to talk and sometimes I really can't make myself say anything. My major problems are constantly feeling alone and abandoned. Usually I talk about my problems but I don't honestly believe anyone cares. I started cutting in January over something that was stupid.. I constantly push my friends away because I feel like they don't want me around. I believe people would be better off without me but at the same time I don't want to give up yet. Though I already have. I don't know what to do. I'm basically a walking zombie, I never smile, and I'm rarely feeling anything in school but numbness and annoyance. I can't predict how my emotions will be but it's always "okay. sad. okay. sadder.." it goes on all night. People don't believe me. I've tried to get help. But I think I've given up on that. It's not working, my new year's resolution was to be happy. And I failed. I don't think I'll ever be happy.

Everyone believes I'm just a snob; I'm really shy. Everyone thinks I'm mean; I want to reject them before they can reject me. I like attention; darn right I like attention but at the same time, I really can't take it when people look at me. I feel as though they criticize everything I do, compare themselves to me to feel better. I'm sorry I can't flip a switch and be happy. Because everyone gets upset at times. But it doesn't go away. When I'm laughing with my friends, I want to cry, and disappear, even though they make me feel happy, I don't believe it's true happiness. I insist on feeling almost smothered by attention/"love" or I get upset.

I'm the middle child, my sister is nearly 8 years older, my brother is 5 years younger than I am. I feel like my parents like them more. I get compared to them constantly. As a baby, my sister was calm, I was hyper. My brother goes along with things, I don't. My brother voices his opinions and I just watch. I never answer when they ask what's wrong. I'm ashamed of being so lost and lonely. I don't want them to know another thing, even though I'm young, I'm almost 98% positive on my sexuality. I'm sure it could change.

I do like guys in my school, one in particular. But I don't really think he cares. And I feel really bad for liking him, because I was so open about it. Now everyone in our ELA class knows, and I feel like if they find out about my depression and stuff, they'll make fun of him too. But then when I get home, I think about him but I also talk to some girls I met on this game.. And I like them too.

I'm really sorry if this is too much information.. But I really needed to say this stuff.

[2NDFLOOR]

No need to be sorry, expressing emotion is a great way to BEGIN the process of feeling better. However, in order to continue the process of feeling better, you are going to need additional help. Have you ever thought of seeking counseling? That can be very helpful. Maybe you can speak with your parents or a guidance counselor and see what options are available to you. Depression is not something that typically gets better on its own. It takes work on your part and help from others. Part of being depressed is feeling like no one out there cares, but there are always people out there who do, it just takes some work to find them. One thing that absolutely does not help with depression is cutting. That is a temporary feel good, that seems like an answer, but in reality does nothing to solve problems, it just creates new ones. Check out www.selfinjury.com for more info and help with that. It is also normal to feel attracted to other people at your age. You are who you are and you'll figure out what it is that you like as you continue to develop and mature. You can call us (even if you're scared) anytime at 888-222-2228.