Eating Disorder

[Guest]

Im pretty sure I've developed an eating disorder... Actually I am pretty sure I have almost always had one, one way or the other. What I mean by that is, when i was younger i used to eat a lot and i think it was like an emotional thing and my friends would call me fat.
Then around like 13, i became aware of diets and such so basically from like 13-17 i dieted on and off. I became super displeased with my body and I isolated myself a lot and just had a lot of negative self talk through this period of my life and I felt like i didn't fit in and it was because i wasn't skinny or pretty enough. I also started dance classes during this time so I was always looking at myself.
Now I'm 18 and for the past 4 months I've been restricting on and off. I had to go to the hospital once during this time because i wasn't eating enough and i was so dizzy but i never told anyone i was restricting so no one understood why i was there.
After that I started eating healthier but then I started gaining weight so I stopped that about 3 weeks ago. Ive been restricting my calories now and i keep wanting to go lower to get faster results and I know this is very bad for me but the guilt of eating is just too much to handle and i would rather be hungry than feel that way.
Ive tried eating normally again to but that makes me want to make myself throw up... I have not thrown up yet but I have tried and i really hope i never get to the point of actually doing that. Im at a normal weight for my height but I am losing weight now which makes this harder to break. Its just a lot to deal with emotionally because I want to tell someone and get emotional help but I also want to keep losing weight. Its like such a struggle between myself, like I know its bad but I dont want to stop.
I told an older adult before and she made me tell my mom. I went to a therapist once, the therapist said i should just go get assessed at a treatment center for eating disorders, after, i decided not to tell my mother about this and i told my mom i didn't want/need to go back and my mom agreed with me. But the reason I didn't want to go back is because I know whats wrong with me and if i go see another therapist then they will figure out whats wrong with me and I will have to tell my mother that I've been restricting again.
I just dont know what to do at this point and i keep making things worse for myself. I want my thoughts to go away but not at the price of gaining weight... I need help... dont I?

[2NDFLOOR]

Thank you for reaching out to 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline. It's very brave of you to open up about your eating disorder and all that you have struggled through with it. It sounds like you already know what you should do, but that doesn't make it an easy choice. This is not something that you have to or should be going through alone. It sounds like you want help, and the hardest step is asking for it, but it's also the first step! Once you ask the rest of your treatment comes with so much support. It's important to talk to your parents or an adult you feel comfortable with about how you are feeling. I know this is difficult and will likely result in a screening, but this is where you will begin working on your self-esteem, body image, and all the other feelings that come along with eating disorders.I have provided a few links that you may find helpful. The first is the national eating disorder association's website. They also have a helpline that is open from 9am-9pm. I have provided that number as well. The following links are organizations where you can read stories of others who have struggled with eating disorders and who promote a healthy body image.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ helpline number - (800) 931-2237. http://proud2bme.org/ and https://healthyisthenewskinny.com/ Remember you are not alone and there are people that want to help you through this. If you want to talk more you can contact 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline 24/7 at 888-222-2228.