My life so far

[Guest]

I have very little room to communicate so it is very late right now and I have been across three separate crisis lines. I just recently turned 17, my life started crumbling when I was 14. Around the end of my freshman, I had already started taking a liking to steal alcohol from my parents. This was not helpful for my relationship or school. This was the cause of the first time I left my girlfriend. A few days before school ended that year, my grandma died of COPD. I didn't even get to say goodbye and I had a chance to. She even wondered where I was, one of her last coherent thoughts was of me and I was at a stupid banquet for a club I hated. I thought it couldn't get worse but less than a month later my only remaining grandpa died, he had a heart attack and the truth is he died because he missed his wife. By next year my ex and I had gotten back together and we were enjoying all the pot we could smoke. That Christmas rolled around and the universe wasn't done with me so it took my great grandma on Christmas morning. We buried her on New Year's Eve. I lost both my dogs that year, my girlfriend twice, and a whole slew of family members. And next year was a pandemic. I lost my girlfriend again, twice in 2020. She tried taking her life once, I tried a few myself. I'm here now, almost a senior, I'm dependent on pot for happiness, no matter how much I work out and eat right I feel miserable to be alive. Earlier this year I was going to take my life. My ex and I have been separated for almost 8 months and I still love and miss her every day, she is with someone now, I hope she's so in love and happy. I was going to kill myself and then my friend, one of my best friends, a man I trained as a firefighter with, put out plumes of fire billowing from cars and furniture, took his life. He was my squad leader, he was my freaking idol, and he shot himself in the head. I have nothing left around me, I feel trapped in a hole I dug with pot, acid, shrooms, and poor communication in relationships. I'm a useless druggie, I ruined the best relationship I ever had with the best girl in the whole world, and all that I love and care for dies. I feel cursed and I feel like I deserve the burning desire I have to take my life. I'm so scared of living, I'm equally scared of dying. Most of all, right now, I'm tired of being lonely. I wish somebody cared for me, I wish I had support, I wish I had peace. I play music, I write poetry, and I work out and I still feel incomplete and hollow. I stare at nothing for ungodly amounts of time and I have crippling anxiety. I don't know who the man I see in the mirror is but I'd like him more if there was a bullet between the eyes. I guess what I want from posting this is for someone else to either relate to a lesser degree so maybe you can feel peace knowing you are not alone and it can be harder or relate to a higher degree so I can see maybe I don't have it so bad. It's not a competition, but I just don't want to keep fighting alone, I'm losing and I know it.

[Guest]

I'm not a moderator, but I'm here just to offer you some words of comfort. You are no doubt dealing with unbearable grief - not only of one person, but of multiple people who took great roles in your life. I want you to know, they may not be here physically, but embodying the hope they instilled in yo, you will be keeping them alive. They are watching over you ... and want to see you happy and to thrive. You have a good heart, and you are a good person -- who is in a lot of pain. The fact that you are still choosing to hold on everyday, is an immeasurable strength. All these hobbies that make you feel like yourself, keep them. You aren't fighting alone, I was there too ... sheer loneliness and all I wanted was one thing and one thing only, support. But I made it, even when I felt like there was nothing left for me, and so can you. I care, and if I didn't, I wouldn't be taking time off to write this as it's not my "job".

I am going to assume that you are still in highschool (and this applies even if you're in college) : Have you reached to anyone for support? I know this is something that is really of essence during this time. Guidance counselor, teachers? Would you take a risk and just tell someone, like a teacher, how you feel? I used to think when i was very desperate and on verge of breakdown, what have I got to lose? If say that teacher can't offer you the support, they would the very least link you with someone that can, and that's often the key to opening doors.

Somethings that worked for me personally when I was in my phase of loneliness:
- Therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. Medications also helped me with my anxiety (by following psychiatrist's guidance)
- Peer Support (it's less "clinical", and it's designed so that you connect with someone who have lived experience of mental health issues and made it to the otherside. They get it and can guide you
- Support groups

You have such great hobbies, and I think you can make great connections engaging with people who have similar interests, like school/college clubs, certain programs you can sign up for, volunteering.

I will attach some resources for you:
supportgroupscentral.com - this saved my life. PLENTY of support groups, for FREE!
http://bit.ly/OC_ref - therapy resources
https://bit.ly/MF_ref -- for grief.


Listen... I was there too. Believe me when I say, I didn't think I can make it. Yet I am here, and I am - happy, after battling similar issues like yours for 10 years (I'm 20 btw; and life does tend to settle down when you leave your teen years, and you learn to regulate your emotions more and your brain overall develops, things to really become less chaotic) Give it a chance. CONTINUE reaching out -- do so with people around you. Take that risk, what have you got to lose in this case? There are good people in the world, and if I can give my younger self advice, it would be: There are good people in the world, who want to sit with you and listen to your pain. But give them a chance. People are a lot more compassionate that you think. Open up when you get the chance. It might take - who knows- months, years to feel better like it with me, but when things do settle down, trust me you'll look back at these moments and you will be so proud. Proud of your strength and courage. And every single achievement you make, will be worth more. I get excited over the smallest things haha, that's because I've known pain like you have, and I don't take anything for granted and thus became more appreciative over everything. you may get to that point, but do give yourself a chance... Life is worth it. Life gets better, but you have to be here to see it. You have one life .. only one. And know that things CAN change for you one day, like it has for me. Take care.

[Guest]

Thanks for reaching out to 2ndfloor. First of all, I would like to extend my condolences. It sounds like you have endured a lot of losses and need some help and support right now. Please know that while its been difficult time you are still here even in the midst of such hurt. Suicide is never the right way to cope with problems or losses. If you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself, it is incredibly important to tell someone immediately. You can also call National Suicide Hotline at 888-273-8255. There are so many resources available that you can reach out to for support. Please call one of the above hotlines or you can call 2NDFLOOR anytime at 888-222-2228. You are not alone and with support and help you will get through this. We are here to talk to you and help you!

[Guest]

I'm thankful for the replies, I'm trying to be more productive and keep with my hobbies. My mom is forcing me to start doing driver's ed which I hope helps keep me busy. I'm writing poetry and posting it on IG as I used to, just trying to put something I made out there. I got a tattoo a few days ago which I've been waiting for practically my whole life. I'm very happy with the results. I'm gonna start working out again tomorrow, then I can remove the patch that's been over the tat for three days. I hope I get better, I'm trying to be the man I want to be and I want to be over the grief, but it just seems like it takes such a long walk to get there.