i feel like i am dying

[Guest]

wow.. i dont even know where to begin.. im turning 17 in a month, i am going through a major identity crisis and i feel so on edge and out of place. my anxiety and depression have been at an all time high. my grandma passed away from covid and my brother moved away to college, i am so lonely, i feel so abandoned. i feel rlly broken. the only person i have is my boyfriend and he lives all the way in england. we call on discord every single day, we watch shows together, listen to music together, and we tell each other everything. i came out to him as they/them non binary,,, he didnt take it well and broke up with me and said that hes not gay, we are back together and he’s learning to accept me. im just scared to love him bc i dont want him to hurt me. ive also been having intrusive thoughts about sex, drugs, and selfharm. i just want to feel different than this. self medicating is something ive done since i was 14, i smoke marijuana frequently, i used to drink daily, and ive used nicotine as well. ive been clean for a long time from all except for marijuana. i feel guilty about my struggles. i feel ashamed. hopeless, and rly stupid. i feel very alone, i feel like i should be happy but im not. im sorry i just wish someone would understand me

[2NDFLOOR]

I first want to say that I am so sorry about the loss of your grandma. The death of a loved one, your brother moving away to college, and a breakup with your boyfriend are all significant losses you've had to cope with recently. Dealing with these events all at once can understandably be very destabilizing, as it may challenge your sense of safety, security, and connection with others. It makes complete sense that your anxiety and depression would reach an all time high. Please be gentle with yourself, as there is no need to feel ashamed or stupid for having a normal emotional response to painful events. It may take some time to feel trust and safety again with your boyfriend, given that he hurt you during a very vulnerable moment. It's okay to go slow for now, which I imagine he would be able to understand. In the meantime, it can be helpful to expand and strengthen your support system. For example, is it possible to stay connected with your brother through call, text, or video chat? Are there other groups or communities you can join on Discord? Building social connections can help to lower your stress and improve your mood, and you are certainly deserving of understanding and support! I commend you for your efforts to abstain from alcohol and nicotine. That shows you are absolutely capable of taking action to help yourself, just like you're doing now by reaching out here! Another helpful avenue can be seeking support through counseling or therapy, as it sounds like it would be really meaningful for you to have a compassionate listener, which we all do deserve! A therapist can also work with you to build stronger coping skills and self-esteem, so that may be something to broach with your parents if you feel comfortable enough to do so. If you'd like to talk more, please feel free to reach out to us via call or text at 888-222-2228. Thank you for contacting 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline!