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I keep writing and deleting posts to boards like this one, hoping I can focus on writing something that doesn't require context. My head is a little tangled but I tried? At one point, I did have a counselor but he pretended nothing was wrong even after I told him that I was hallucinating (don’t worry, at least THAT went away). I’m on waiting lists for therapy, but they feel infinite and I never get to know how long it will take. Most of the time, or at least this year, I feel like a ghost haunting my house. I cant make noise or I’ll annoy the people who live here because of my rattling. I have weeks of fog, interrupted with horrible depression, anger, and self-loathing. Sometimes I'm destructively "happy" but those times are never good either, and the self-loathing doesn't leave. And I know that when I get therapy, if it isn’t too late, I will question their methods. I will trick them at times, or at least they’ll misunderstand me and I will have memories of last time, my disgust will leak into what little possibility of help I have left. I think I’m going to get my GED. Thinking of school is disastrous. I have a lot of difficulty communicating but I have been begging for help for so long, and now that they’re finally considering it from me asking (instead of only listening to doctors sick of me reporting pain when nothing is wrong), there's a pandemic and any therapists, counselors, and whatever else are at capacity. I didn’t just find out either, it has been two months. But having covid has isolated me even further. I want so much, but there is so little time. I'm a senior in hs, scared that I'm destroying my future, but the current version of me isn't in the right place to stop it.
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I keep writing and deleting posts to boards like this one, hoping I can focus on writing something that doesn't require context. My head is a little tangled but I tried? At one point, I did have a counselor but he pretended nothing was wrong even after I told him that I was hallucinating (don’t worry, at least THAT went away). I’m on waiting lists for therapy, but they feel infinite and I never get to know how long it will take. Most of the time, or at least this year, I feel like a ghost haunting my house. I cant make noise or I’ll annoy the people who live here because of my rattling. I have weeks of fog, interrupted with horrible depression, anger, and self-loathing. Sometimes I'm destructively "happy" but those times are never good either, and the self-loathing doesn't leave. And I know that when I get therapy, if it isn’t too late, I will question their methods. I will trick them at times, or at least they’ll misunderstand me and I will have memories of last time, my disgust will leak into what little possibility of help I have left. I think I’m going to get my GED. Thinking of school is disastrous. I have a lot of difficulty communicating but I have been begging for help for so long, and now that they’re finally considering it from me asking (instead of only listening to doctors sick of me reporting pain when nothing is wrong), there's a pandemic and any therapists, counselors, and whatever else are at capacity. I didn’t just find out either, it has been two months. But having covid has isolated me even further. I want so much, but there is so little time. I'm a senior in hs, scared that I'm destroying my future, but the current version of me isn't in the right place to stop it. -
It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and you're feeling frustrated by everything happening to say the least. Right now there are a lot of people in similar situations like you struggling with family, school and mental health. That's probably one of the reasons your waiting lists are so long. It's good to be on them though because they will eventually end and you will get help. In the meantime, it sounds like you have a good idea about things you do to sabotage therapy. Make a list of those things and begin addressing them now and try not to bring them into therapy. Also, bring them up to the therapist in your first meeting so they are aware of them too. School might be hard work, but keep fighting to succeed in it, even though it's hard. In the end it's worth it to get that GED. You are not destroying your future, all the things you are discussing can be worked on and made right. It might not be easy, but you (yes even the current version of you) can figure it out with some work and effort, especially once your therapy starts if you delve into it with the right attitude. Call or text us anytime at 888-222-2228.
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