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I've spent my whole life without friends, not a single one since elementary to high school. I want to make some but you need experience with people for that and my social anxiety is so bad that I start shaking to the point where it is incredibly noticeable to anybody who happens to be looking my way which makes me even more nervous which makes me start having a panic attack which stops me from wanting to interact with people. My not so supportive family is no help as well, I've tried talking to them about it before but unfortunately, mother doesn't care and my father has little to no involvement in my life, my siblings heard the conversation and have now taken to making fun of me for it, something which my mother and father have chosen to ignore. I have nobody else to talk to about it as I don't know anybody outside of the immediate family and we keep no contact with them so even if I wanted to I can't contact them. Through some social experimentation, I have found that I need a bare minimum of 6 months before I can handle conversing with somebody for basic tasks but nobody is willing to wait that long for me to be able to ask them to pass me a pair of scissors and still not be able to hold a shallow conversation. I had sort of floated through life until now, in a constant state of disassociation, where I watched my life in the third person like a storybook. People usually convince the suicidals to not do it by guilting them using family members and friends and by telling them that it will get better. I guess it's a good thing my parents probably won't feel anything upon my death, and I don't see the whole social anxiety thing getting fixed anytime soon, and even less so with my parents' unwillingness to let me get therapy. I like to think I am a rational person, and rationally I just can't see a reason for me to live and the only thing keeping me alive is a set of rules which I set for myself concerning my suicide, one of which is to wait a 30 days before I do it so as to make sure I don't do anything out of impulsivity, and I am on day17 so I guess this is one of the last places I have to turn to.
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I am glad you reached out to 2ndfloor for help. I am sorry you do not have the support of your parents and this must be a very difficult time especially with the quarantine. I hope you are able to get some counseling with your social anxiety and panic attacks. It sounds like you can really use some support. It also seems like you have been dealing with these feelings for a long time. If you feel like you are going to harm yourself or of you have a plan it is important to reach out for support. Here is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255, someone can help you immediately or you can contact NJ Hopeline at http://www.njhopeline.com/ or by phone at 1-855-NJ-HOPELINE (654-6735). Here are two links for tools as well on how to cope with anxiety and depression @ https://adaa.org/tips and https://www.newportacademy.com/resou...-good-for-you/. We are here 24/7 as well by phone or texting at 888-222-2228 anytime.
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